by Francis Friel

Buncha stuff coming out this month. Let’s get down to it…

Faith of Our Fathers
directed by Carey Scott

Theater owners have no idea what to do with this pile of garbage. Odds are you’ll never see it cause no one books it cause no one has any faith in it. If anyone remembers this movie exists a month from now I’ll eat my shoe.

Magic Mike XXL
directed by Gregory Jacobs

Notice that doesn’t say “directed by Steven Soderbergh.” It also doesn’t have Betsy Brandt or Matthew McConaughey. What’s the point of this? How frustrating must it be to have made the first Magic Mike, a movie most people think is some dumb garbage stripper movie but is actually a great piece of filmmaking, then have someone else put out what looks like some dumb garbage stripper movie as a sequel? Too bad Soderbergh is some enlightened genius and probably doesn’t give a shit what people do with this property. I’ll probably see it anyway.

Terminator Genisys
directed by Alan Taylor

Skynet goes all Back to the Future Part II with the great director of LOST, The Sopranos, and Boardwalk Empire. He also directed Thor: The Dark World, one of the worst things I’ve ever seen, so we’ll see how well this thing turns out. Prediction: really really fun, and really reallllly terrible.

Amy
directed by Asif Kapadia

That Amy Winehouse documentary. I don’t know anything about her (I liked Frank and “Tears Dry On Their Own” just fine, but whatever). But I’ll watch any documentary about a musician, when it comes down to it. Or maybe I’ll continue on my quest to never watch any of this director’s movies. I’ll let you know.

Minions
directed by Pierre Coffin

I didn’t see the other Despicable Me joints because they looked absolutely hideous and obnoxious. This looks worse than those. Also I don’t watch movies made for eight-year-olds. Good luck to you.

Self/Less
directed by Tarsem

Go see whatever Tarsem gives you. Every time. I honestly don’t know anything about this one because I’ve been avoiding seeing anything about it before it comes out. The Fall trailer already told me too much and as a result I went in looking for something that wasn’t quite there. Visually, there really aren’t many other directors out there doing anything close to what Tarsem can do. Just go see it.

Ant-Man
directed by Peyton Reed

Looks like another Guardians-style jam, which was one of the only two good Marvel movies. Hopefully this will be the third. Also good to see Evangeline Lilly and Corey Stoll getting their hands on some of that Marvel money.

Trainwreck
directed by Judd Apatow

Honestly, fuck Apatow. But this is that Amy Schumer thing. She’s great. Go see it.

Smosh
directed by Alex Winter

Bill from Bill & Ted directed this. It stars some fucking youtube dorks. I don’t know.

Paper Towns
directed by Jake Schreier

YA horseshit. No.

Pixels
directed by Chris Columbus

Did you know Chris Columbus is still directing feature films? He is. This looks like Men in Black crossed with just random 80s nostalgia. Are we still pretending shitty arcade games are exciting? They are not exciting. They are fucking stupid. Know what I just watched for the first time ever? All these Aki Kaurismaki movies. You know that Proletariat Trilogy you’ve always heard about that everybody says is so great? It’s really great. These movies made me so happy. I don’t know much (hardly anything? nothing?) about Finnish Cinema but now I want to see more. The feeling of these films is incredible. I want to live my life that way. In the cold, going out to a brightly lit supermarket, living a weird solitary existence. I wish he was still making these things. Wait, no, fuck, there’s this movie coming out where Pac-Man attacks San Francisco.

Southpaw
directed by Antoine Fuqua

Remember when this was the sequel to 8 Mile? Hollywood is fucking insane.

Vacation
directed by John Francis Daley

SAM FUCKING WEIR directed this! I bet it’s gonna be terrible but, backtracking a little on what I said above about nostalgia, I will go see this because I want to give this guy money. Too bad I see all my movies for free.

Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation
directed by Christopher McQuarrie

Another Tom Cruise/Chris McQuarrie joint. Didn’t you see Going Clear?