Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.

Francis Friel, The Projectionist

Okay. Deep breath.. Everybody with me?

Okay. Alright.

Fuck Star Trek. Star Trek is fucking dumb.

It's the 50th anniversary of this goddam thing. Fifty years of this. Of starfleets and prime directives and time-travelling franchises that bob and weave in and out of each other and and and...I can't care.

Sorry.

Yeah. I know stuff. I probably know as much as any other person alive who has grown up with Star Trek being a 'thing.' I think I've seen the entire original series. Saw all of Next Generation. Because I was like ten or twelve or something when it was on. Guys, I was also obsessively re-watching the same movies over and over and over again back then (just like now) because I have ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OF PRIORITIES and that includes the fact that I did indeed devote some of my horrible youth to watching Star Trek. Cause it was on. Cause it was weird. I was also really into the late 80s/early 90s Let's Make A Deal. That was also a show that was on.

Guys. Star Trek. Ya fuckin kiddin me, right? There's no fucking way. Like, people devote their lives to this thing. They learn languages. They dress up. They read a shitload of books I think. Star Trek. GodDAMmit.

THERE ARE THINGS I LOVE THAT ARE DUMB AS SHIT. I get it. But isn't Star Trek, like...really ugly? It's red and brown and green and silver and it just...none of if fits.

And all this business of how politically progressive it was...I just can't care. At. All. Make me something that doesn't look like it was shot in my basement (my basement is CRAWLING with spiders right now and is lit by a single light bulb, and I just moved so I have an entire house's worth of 'stuff' crammed into a tiny four-foot space that spans the width of the house but is circling the HVAC unit, so you have to step over all my records to get to the couch, or crawl over the really old 35mm rewind table to get to the rest of my clothes {which are in boxes covered in spiders} and it looks like a basement, basically) that is also Socially Progressive (for its time, don't forget - the 60s were a DARK time in America, Progressive back then could mean a lot of things) and I will be thrilled to watch it. THE MATRIX is good, for example.

Folks, honestly. We are still talking about Star Trek. Making more movies. Re-releasing blu rays. Fuuuuuuuck, everybody! Where did we go wrong??? How did we get so far off-track that we let Star Trek be a Thing? It was a tv show in the 60s. Where's the JJ Abrams Flying Nun movie? I ask you, my friends. Where's Gidget? Sally Field is literally an alive person. Make it all happen. Stick time-travel in there, whatever. Hell, stick SPOCK in there, I don't care! But I need the 60s influence on Hollywood to EXPAND A LITTLE. I want weirder stuff. We need to counter-act this Trek business.

I need your help.

We are now on a mission.

Will you join me?

But. It wont' matter. Cause the Trek is here to stay.

And I just can't care.

Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport

Sarah Paulson. I can't care that you don't want to dye your hair.

Seriously. Ladies don't want to dye their hair blonde. This is what the discussion has come to regarding ladies in film?  I gotta tell ya: can't care. Sometimes we gotta put our big girl pants on and do things we don't like to do. Hell, I wake up and go to work every M-F. Slave to THE MAN and believe me, no one decides to have a career in human resources -- but guess what you gotta eat.  

Sarah Paulson. YOU ARE AN ACTRESS. An actress/actor is defined as: a person who behaves in a way that is not genuine. You are making a career out of NOT being yourself. If you don't want to dye the locks, then find yourself another gig. Changing your appearance to star in a moving picture is part of the job...did you see MONSTER? 

This old sport has gotten a little tired of this 'ladies in film' talk. No more round table discussions. I want to see ACTION. Is Hollywood a boys club? Fuck yea it is. Do boys help boys? Fuck yea they do. Ladies, the key to our success in this circus run by clowns is simple: HELP ONE ANOTHER. I heard the war stories. I heard the complaints. And I can't care. Whatcha going to do about it? I graduated film school in 2006! and I remember these same conversations happening. When will it end? Makes me realize I need to stop rockin' back n' forth in my cardigan and get off my ass and remember my mission on this planet: MAKE MOVIES. 

I don't want to read another story how these already disgustingly rich women don't get paid enough. OK. So you don't make as much as the Sp**lburg or JJ. I can't be the only one to find Julia Roberts' recent take on Mother's Day to be downright ludicrous. How much damn money do you need lady?! These clown are out of control. For me it is not an issue of who gets paid more, dudes or dudettes...instead its an issue with these salaries in general. Why are any of these "actors/actresses" being paid these large sums of money at all? YOU MAKE MOVIES. 

Sigh. 

Either way, I think we can all agree that the world would be better off if Blake Lively were a mute. No one should care what she has to say. Blake you old sport, here is what you should do: jump in that swimming pool...you know the one that you have filled with all of Deadpool's money. Take a nice dip. Cause no one needs another: Age of Adaline

OH! and I almost forgot...did you see the new Ghostbusters trailer? You know the one those old sports put out in attempt to save this thing? NO?! ME EITHER. Can't care. And NO! it is not because there are ladies in it. It is because I don't think this thing should have ever been made.  Hollywood, stop telling me it ain't a remake: same setting + same characters (except for gender) +  same villains = CANT CARE. People need to stop turning everything into a controversy. Call it as it is: a remake. People have the right to refuse something they have already seen. There is wayyyyy too much stuff out there that I have yet to see and NEED to see. This old sport don't have time for remakes, reboots, and re-tellings, especially when things like this exist out there in the world. 

Jaime Davis, The Fixer

Entertainment news this week has been 185% hijacked by photocalls from Cannes and highlights from the upfronts, that glorious time of year when the networks unveil their fall and midseason television slates to advertisers and the press. Honestly though, I can't care. Why? Because I still have a million seasons of The O.C. to rewatch and the last few eps of Game of Thrones and almost the entire current season of Broad City to catch up on so no, network tv, I don't fuqs wit you right now. I really don't care what's coming in the FALL, goddammnit, because I'm just trying to get through TODAY and watch at least one episode of The O.C. (gotta get that Seth Cohen fix). I mean, CAN EVERYONE CALM DOWN ABOUT THEIR TV WATCHING? Give me some cottdamn breathing room.

So let's get to the news that matters, and when I say 'matters,' I mean bwahahahahahhahaha, right. First up, remember when Paramount announced they were making a Baywatch jawn? Yeah, they weren't kidding. And guess what? It's coming out right around this time next year so of course it's the perfect time to release the first pics of the cast. And, well, here you go. You want this right? That's not a serious question. I know that no one REALLY wants this. Now that every media news outlet is pushing it down our throats, yeah, maybe there's a few people out there who are marking this shit on their movie calendars for next year. But me? Um, yeah, no. This is one I can skip. For obvious fucking reasons so I'm not even going to get into it. I think we're done here. 

Ok wait...wait. If I could just sidebar here for a moment, that would be awesome, thanks. I need to confess that I do care, just a teensy bit, about this Baywatch reboot. Because, and not to objectify or anything, but Alex Daddario is in Baywatch, and she is seriously a marvel of human beauty and perfection. Please see below for an accurate depiction of what would happen to me if I ever met her in person. 

End sidebar!

But really, no to Baywatch. Just...no.

And I guess you've seen that Captain America: Civil War thing already? I thought for sure this was going to be a good one, because I loved Captain America and then adored Winter Soldier even more. But guys, I actually fell asleep for 20 minutes during it when really, it felt like a nice hour-long snooze and when I woke up all refreshed and ready to face the rest of the movie I was like "cool this should be over soon" and then had to endure another 2+ hours of that mess. Because yeah, it bored me from minute one. And I honestly can't care that Iron Man is all butthurt about Cap and Bucky's friendship - Stark, you've done nothing but hate him and spar with him and be your general prick-ish self around him from the beginning of the Marvelverse. So spare me the "we were friends" shenanigans because that's a bunch of L I E S. (I didn't read the comics so please, don't jump in here to correct me on any of the above. I'm just going on what Marvel: The Movieverse has told me). 

Also, I'm thoroughly disappointed in you, Cap and Bucky, that you can't just come out with your feelings for each other. YOUR TRUE FEELINGS. Yeah, yeah, you've been friends for like 100 years or some shit but I know you're in love. I can see it in the way you look at each other! It's like a million times obvious! Cap, I know you were dying to brush Bucky's long, luscious locks out of his eyes at every moment of your getaway together. Do not play. I mean, that scene near the end where you save Bucky, or Bucky saves you, or you save each other or WHATEVER has the most romantical score that ever was playing over it. So yeah, STOP LYING TO YOURSELVES AND JUST ADMIT IT. Please. Live your lives authentically. It's called integrity, and I would appreciate it if you both could own it. Because if I have to fight to stay awake through your studio poop of a movie, the least you could do is infuse the story with some truth and humanity. And Cap, don't even think for a hot sec that I believe you have any real between-the-sheets interest in Sharon Carter - that 'kiss' between the two of you was the most milquetoast, vanilla bullshit I've ever seen. Chemistry you two do not possess. I'm telling you right now - Bucky is your soulmate. Learn it, live it, love it.