Directed by Patrick Hughes (2017)
by Benjamin Leonard and Rosalie Kicks

Benjamin Leonard, Best Boy: Going in, you figure Patrick Hughes' The Hitman's Bodyguard is gonna be an over-the-top, nonsensical shit-show. That's why you're there. You wanna see Samuel L and Ryan Reynolds just get goofy as all hell and shoot the ever-loving shit outta everything.

Rosalie Kicks, Old Sport: Instead you get a two hour long meandering movie made by a bunch of amateurs that can't even focus a camera. The idea for this flick is pretty original. Unfortunately the plot is an absolute mess. I'm still confused about the type of movie they set out to make here. Is it a love story, a drama, an action romp, or a comedy? Hughes' biggest mistake was that he attempted to make three movies rather than one. He spends so much time attempting to get us to care about RR trying to hook up with his ex. Dude, the title writes itself here. This movie should have been a popcorn action flick that made comedic references to The Bodyguard. This is all we ever wanted and with the state of affairs right now, it is exactly what we needed. Cue the Whitney, throw Sammy in RR's arms, and give us that slow motion rain scene. 

Benjamin: But it didn't go there. It didn't go anywhere near there. NOTHING was the way over the top extravaganza that you'd expected except for the soundtrack. That mess was every stupid song this nitwit must love cranked up to eleven. The garbage sound design had the music drowning out the dialog on the regular for the first twenty minutes. (Not that we missed much, I'm sure.)

Also, this movie put the nail in the coffin of my love for The Refused. Shape of Punk to Come is one of my all-time favorite albums. It's astoundingly good. The use of their song “New Noise” in this movie is totally baffling on so many fronts. It didn't fit at all. And why did they sell the rights to it? What's the matter Dennis, were you too beat up to fight back after Capitalism Stole Your Virginity?

Rosalie: Plain and simple: The movie is wrong. However, if I really try my hardest I can find at least one cinematic win. Watching this movie, I finally now understand the point of Ryan Reynolds. This guy makes baddddd movies watchable. In previous experiences, I have found RR to be a nuisance, but in this situation I thank my lucky stars for his presence. He is one charismatic motherfucker (to borrow the movie's favorite word). He kept me from walking out of this two hour long (why is this two hours?!) mistake. His line delivery is on point and then mixed in with Sammy's sarcastic attitude, their chemistry was on point. Unfortunately, these two starred in a poorly written script made by people that had no idea what they were doing behind the camera. Seeing them on screen together made me wish that we could just hit the “do-over” button.

Benjamin: Yup. Do the WHOLE thing over. There was way too much drama. It could have been great, if they played it all sappy and stupid and then smacked you in the face with some sort of lame joke. Instead, they tried to play it off legit, and that just did NOT work. The comedy should’ve been goofy scenarios mashed in with dopey one-liners. The action should’ve had huge glorious explosions but the CGI looked on par with the Baywatch movie. The chase scenes had one quality effort with the boat in Amsterdam but otherwise the camera was whipping around so much that it was impossible to even tell what was happening. 

This movie was my one chance to be a big stupid man and enjoy a big stupid movie this year and they blew it. Thanks Patrick Hughes!

Rosalie: Wellllll, on the bright side...we do get to see Salma Hayek stab a dude in the neck with a broken beer bottle. The lady kicked some major ass. We also witness a new, advanced technology when it comes to acting: phoning it in. That’s right. The image you see on screen is not the actual life form of Gary Oldman. Instead it is a super advanced hologram. His lines were all done via satellite phone from his island in the south pacific. Will this guy ever show up on set again? Will he ever not play a villain with a terrible accent? Only time shall tell. It is unfortunate that Hughes will make more movies. It is inevitable though. If he was given the opportunity to make The Hitman’s Bodyguard after Expendables 3, god help us…what will be next.