by Jessie “VHSJess” Landivar-Prescott

“I’m dreaming of a Black Christmas, not like the one I used to know” - Bling Crosby

*Spoilers ahead.

Take me to the movies with my gal pal, Rosalie Kicks aka the Old Sport. We wanna go to the Alamo in Yonkers (that’s NY) because tonight they are showing the 1974 proto-slasher movie Black Christmas directed by Bob Clark (editor’s note: this dude’s filmography is astonishingly wild). The movie was filmed in Toronto, the director went on to direct the 1983 family classic A Christmas Story & Olivia Hussey is in it. These elements have me more than intrigued. Plus, CANADA! (Big love for all things Canadian forever.)

There is an on-screen intro by film critic, podcast host and co-writer of the soon to be released Black Christmas update, April Wolfe (yay!). I throw my fist in the air, Rosalie smiles and after a sweet, informative intro by one of the Alamo’s managers, the movie begins.

Hello, 1974! Awesome! The colors, costumes, makeup, hair, sound and decor all strut their beautiful and dated selves all over the screen. Then the violent, relentless phone calls begin. An unknown psychopath (yes, complete and total psychopath) continuously tortures a group of sorority girls with intrusive and disgusting phone calls. In short, the movie’s plot follows the (now) typical slasher horror movie path- an unsuspecting and vulnerable group of coeds are targeted by an unknown maniac who plucks them off one by one. In the third act we get the showdown between the final girl and killer. She bludgeons him to death, police arrive and all is well. Except it isn’t. Two dead bodies remain in the attic (no one thought to check the attic *faceplam*), final girl is left alone in the house, asleep, with a police officer stationed at the front door. We look upon her asleep in her room as the phone begins to ring incessantly.

…

HELLO, CREEPY!! An effectively scary ending- it creeps me out to pieces. Rosalie and I agree that BC is a likable film. In fact the Old Sport found it to be one of the most bleakest endings she has ever seen. I am doubly impressed that the Alamo has screened another cool old movie and that they introduced me to the world of holiday horror. (Thanks, Alamo Yonkers! We love you!)

On our way home we are stopped by the ghost of movies future. The ghost tells me that she wants me to put down my phone and come up with a new version of Black Christmas. I am about to remind her that there was a crappy 2006 update and a promising new version coming out on Friday December 13th, directed by Sophia Takal and co-written by April Wolfe. I close my mouth as quickly as I open it, I mean, how can I say no to a ghost?

So I close my eyes and begin to describe what I see…

Once upon a time there was a group of college students who shared a big house. There were 7 girls, all of whom were passionate about their studies and, unbeknownst to them, all of whom had been victimized in one way or another (which likely accounts for why they decided to live off campus, away from sororities, fraternities, hazing and the general campus-wide melee). They were just not interested.

The night before holiday break, the girls decide to open up the doors of their house to their friends and significant others for a low key holiday party. One of the girls, Missy, is on her way home when she hears a little girl scream. She walks in the direction of the scream into Memorial Park, into the darkened woods.

Meanwhile, at the party, an uninvited guest gets into a fight with Missy’s girlfriend, who is growing more and more frantic as it’s now hours past when Missy should have reached home. There is no answer on her cell phone. The guest is thrown out of the party but not before he spews all kinds of violent, misogynistic threats towards everyone. Missy’s girlfriend leaves shortly after and heads to the police station where she is totally dismissed despite her legitimate concerns. As she exits, she passes an incoming, crying mother walking into the station to report that her young daughter is missing.

The next day the girlfriend returns to the house to find out that Missy didn’t make it home at all.

Shortly after hearing the news, she receives a phone call from Missy’s cell phone, the call cuts in and out but she makes out what sounds like a little girl screaming. There is a male voice who speaks in gibberish and the call abruptly ends. One by one, each of the remaining 6 girls receives an equally scary phone call, each one alluding to the traumatizing event that they have gone through in their past.

OK, so at this point Rosalie’s teeth are chattering and I just wanna get home and go to bed. So, I give the ghost a quick summary and hope she’ll be happy with this much. I tell her that I see the girls in the movie feeling helpless and vulnerable at first. One of the girls gets killed and her body is dragged upstairs into the attic and placed in a rocking chair. But the remaining 5 decide that they won’t go out without a fight. They come together and decide to leave the house to search for the missing 2 girls. They encounter all kinds of menaces along the way- men, the police, the sub-zero temperatures and sketchy, leftover students on a mostly deserted campus. There will be no superhero type action sequences, but there will be momentum building as the girls one by one, and then together, fight off their would be attackers, which are actually just representations of the inner demons. But that won’t be obvious to the audience. The culmination will be sad (finding Missy’s body in the park), affirming (having defended themselves and made it through the night) and creepy (not knowing that the other missing girl’s body is in the attic, not knowing what happened to her, stark dissonant music playing as the credits roll). It feels sort of abrupt but that’s what I come up with.

As I wrap up, I cross my fingers. Rosalie’s teeth have started CHOMPING-chattering. We wait. The ghost is satisfied, she nods her head and floats back to her car. Thank goodness, ‘cause I really have to pee.