Directed by John Stewart
Starring Gregory Scott, Cummins William, Hubbard Knight, Barri Murphy and Ross Hagen
Running time: 1 hour and 29 minutes

by Nikk Nelson

“Just stop at body...” -Inside Joke, Kyle Whitley 

I love trash cinema. In my teenage years, I set an alarm every Sunday to make sure I was up by noon to catch Mystery Science Theater 3000 on the Sci-Fi Channel. It was church. One time, a friend was combing through my stacks in the basement and was surprised to find a dense collection of Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme. It seemed to run contrary to what they assumed was my taste. I should have a sea of Criterion Collection and little to nothing else. But they were wrong. Last night, my frequent movie buddy Kyle and I watched Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987) and I wouldn’t have traded that experience for any other movie in the world—except perhaps the rumored director’s cut of Maximum Overdrive (1986) that only Stephen King has and refuses to release. Movies that make you think are important. Movies that don’t are a lot of fucking fun. So, I was tickled when the mystery screening at Fantastic Fest was revealed to be none other than the chronically unavailable Action U.S.A. (1989).

I wasn’t totally unfamiliar with this movie. In fact, just a week or so prior, I watched the episode of Red Letter Media’s Best of the Worst where this film was featured. I was anxious to see its full glory and I was not disappointed. As far as plot goes, two FBI agents protect a witness whose boyfriend was murdered by the gangsters he ripped off in a diamond heist. Like almost literally everything else in the movie, it doesn’t take long for the plot to fall apart, catch on fire and explode. It’s difficult for me, in describing this movie, to not feel like I’m doing a Bill Hader as Stephon skit on Saturday Night Live:

“This movie has everything. Blood. Texas. Squibs for days. Mullets. Guys that call themselves Panama. Duster Jackets. Dialogue that’s either screams or whispers with nothing in between. Car crashes. Car jumps. Car explosions. House explosions. Bullpups…”

“What’s a bullpup?”
“It’s like that thing at a bar where the mechanical bull is broken so you just use a person…”

Hopefully, this is an indication of this obscure, glorious nonsense action title getting a bluray release and you better believe I’ll be hitting the pre-order button. Where else will you find dialogue like:

“HE WAS WEIRD!!!
”“You got suds on my cigar.”
“The quail’s movin’. Let’s hunt.”
“My mother deserves the best and I don’t give a goddamn who I have to kill, she’s gonna live her life out in style.”

All due respect to the Coen Brothers but they don’t write dialogue like that. 

Until that bluray is released, you can catch Action U.S.A.at the Philadelphia Film Festival on Saturday, October 24 at 8pm via their virtual cinema. Tickets here. For a lead in or follow-up, might I recommend <opens dumpster lid> Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987), Miami Connection (1987) or Samurai Cop (1991).