by Audrey Callerstrom

Growing up, my siblings and I were big horror fans. We were walking distance from a second-run movie theater as well as a video rental store. My mom gave permission to let the Callerstrom kids rent whatever they wanted (as long as it wasn’t behind the curtain in the back). By the time I was 18, I’d seen The Exorcist, Carrie, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Last House on the Left, Prom Night, Halloween (obviously) and a slew of others. When we saw Scream in the theater, I leapt up and shrieked with joy when it was over as though my chair had shocked me, I loved it so much.

Decades later, when my husband and I were starting a family, suddenly I didn’t have the desire to feel scared anymore. I was already scared. So I became a bit of a horror ninny. A friend came up to me at a party and wanted to talk about Hereditary, a film I hadn’t seen, and still haven’t seen. A film about grief with kids in danger? I’m not ready. I don’t care how good Toni Collette is. I can watch the bumblebee pendant scene in The Sixth Sense instead.

I’ve since become a bit bolder, but I still don’t always relish the opportunity to feel scared and/or grossed out by a film. When my kid goes to bed, that’s usually Superstore and/or 90 Day Fiancé time. If you’re like me, and want to watch Halloween-themed or Halloween-adjacent films but don’t want to be scared, here are some scaredy-cat safe films to watch.

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
It used to be regarded as the campy, low-budget source for the series, but it stands out on its own. It’s early ‘90s, valley girl, mall cheese, good-natured and silly. Practically bloodless. Kristy Swanson is adorable, and her Watcher is DONALD SUTHERLAND. I like this moment at the end where Luke Perry tells her “You’re not like other girls,” and she’s like “Yes, I am.” Then they drive into the sunrise on his motorcycle. Cute! Like, totally!

2. The Addams Family (1991) and Addams Family Values (1993)
In addition to impeccable casting and costumes and some funny jokes, these movies are also pretty horny. Joan Cusack steals pretty much every scene in the sequel as a gold-digging murderer after (Christopher Lloyd). And who doesn’t like the sequel’s summer camp scene where Wednesday and Pugsley bring mayhem to the camp, burning it down to take revenge on the mean counselors and their racist Thanksgiving day skits.

3. Jennifer’s Body (2009)
Mis-marketed as a horror film, and then hurt by how the tabloids portrayed Megan Fox (she’s a bitch and a diva, according to Michael Bay, notorious turd person), this “horror film” is actually a scathing comedy about female friendship. Introvert/glasses nerd Needy (Amanda Seyfried) is best friends with controlling alpha female Jennifer (Megan Fox), which is taken to extremes when Jennifer becomes a succubus. I thought it was a coincidence that Megan Fox was funny in this film, but then I saw her replace Zooey Deschanel on New Girl for half a season and realized it was not. Adam Brody in a supporting role is also extremely funny, too.

4. Vamps (2012)
This movie was supposed to be the big reunion between Clueless director Amy Heckerling and Alicia Silverstone, and it was not. It had a limited release. It has ridiculous special effects. Still, I liked it. Krysten Ritter and Alicia Silverstone have good chemistry as vampire friends, and Silverstone in particular delivers a good performance. I don’t know if only Heckerling can direct her or what, because she’s otherwise pretty bad in other films. She plays an aging vampire that has been alive for hundreds of years and isn’t able to adjust to how much the world is changing. Relevant if you’re old and tired and don’t want to learn new things and people keep sending you Tik Toks even though you tell them to stop.

5. Ghost (1990)
Technically a love story, but it’s also about a ghost, and therefore spooky. I didn’t see this film until 2017 and I cried so hard. The tears and sobs were like a speeding train that my rational thoughts were trying to catch up with. “Oh is this the movie where they do pottery and Whoopi Goldberg says ‘you’re in danger, girl”? Yes! But it is also sexy and sweet and will give you severe apartment envy. Did you know Demi Moore was cast in part because she has the ability to cry out of just one tear duct?

6. Nancy Drew (2007)
Technically spooky, since there is the presence of a ghost. This iteration of Nancy Drew, starring Emma Roberts in the titular role, has a surprisingly clever mystery behind it. It’s like Veronica Mars for tweens, with exceptionally cute vintage clothes and hats. It would have launched a franchise had it been more successful at the box office. Impossible not to be charmed by Roberts’s take on Drew as she tries to solve the death of a classic Hollywood movie star.

7. Happy Death Day (2017) and Happy Death Day 2 U (2019)
While the first Happy Death Day is certainly a horror/comedy, the sequel, Happy Death Day 2 U, is sci-fi/comedy. I love this extended universe. It’s Back to the Future for girls. The sparkling, laugh-out-loud, comedic timing of actress Jessica Rothe anchors these films about Tree (her name is TREE!) a sorority girl living the same day over and over again where she gets murdered at the end. Favorite moment – knowing Tree will die at the end of the day anyway in Happy Death Day 2 U, she jumps out of an airplane in a bikini, giving double middle fingers. Now if that isn’t a way to send off 2020, I don’t know what is.