Written by Patty Jenkins (screenplay and story), Geoff Johns (screenplay and story) and Dave Callaham (screenplay)
Directed by Patty Jenkins
Starring Gal Gadot, Chris Pine, Kristen Wiig and Pedro Pascal
Running time: 2 hours and 31 minutes (which is too long buttttt hey, at least you have access to a pause button and your home restroom)
MPAA rating: PG-13 for sequences of action and violence

by Rosalie Kicks, Old Sport 

“So many things. So many things.”

After viewing Patty Jenkins’s 2017 Wonder Woman in the theater, I did not think it was a perfect film by any means but there was a major thing it accomplished, unlike any of the previous superhero flicks I had seen (except for Guardians of The Galaxy Vol. 2). It made me feel. Watching Dianna fight her way through “No Mans Land” - I ain’t gonna lie, a tear was shed. Unfortunately, with Jenkins’s follow-up flick, Wonder Woman 1984 I found myself devoid of all emotion except pining for the flick to end. 

Set in 1984, Dianna Prince (Gal Gadot) finds herself working at a museum in Washington, DC where she encounters the recently-hired, mousy nerd, Barbara Minerva (Kristen Wiig). Their initial meeting takes them to an after work happy hour of sorts. They bond over their solitary and lonely lives, which later leads to the perusal of museum artifacts. This is the moment when one of the main players in the star studded ensemble cast is introduced: THE WISHING ROCK. 

Before I go on I have to mention that after the Wonder Woman 1984 trailer, I was extremely pumped for this flick and had two things on my mind: 

1. Awww yea! Wonder Woman in the eighties, this is gonna be a radical soundtrack.

2. In spotting Chris Pine: How in the heck are they bringing back Steve Trevor- it has got to be some mystifying time travel stuff. 

With virtually no eighties needle drops, Warner Brothers and DC let me down on both fronts. I should have known they would get up to their old tricks again… If there is one thing that Warner Bros. and DC loves, it is inanimate objects in the spotlight. This was witnessed previously in the 2017 “movie”, Justice League in which one of the main stars and focal point of the intricate plot was: boxes. In Wonder Woman 1984, the wishing rock serves as a genie of sorts, fulfilling the person holding it any desire they request. All it takes is a sultry whisper, a blow of the breeze and- poof! wish granted. However, much like The Monkey’s Paw -as it is later referred to- the wish comes at a price. I don’t want to spoil things for ya, but I think we all know what Dianna wishes for. It is what we all wish for: Pine. 

Frankly, thank the heavens for Chris “Charming” Pine. The scenes between him and Gal Gadot were the only moments that I didn’t feel needed to be trimmed in this bloated mess. Frankly, I would have much preferred just watching the Steve Trevor and Dianna Prince eighties romantic comedy for two hours. Despite the lack of eighties tunes, 1984 is on full display, like, for example, in the high action fight sequence Wonder Woman has with a bunch of bandits in the mall. As much as I did enjoy this scene, it was, frankly, rather pointless in the long run, much like the entire introduction of the film in which young Dianna competes in an obstacle course in Themyscira. 

When it comes down to it, so many terrible choices were made here, except for the Steve Trevor fashion show. This, I can get behind. In paying homage to the first Wonder Woman, Steve and Dianna’s roles are flipped. This time, it is her serving as a tour guide to show him this new world he finds himself in. It is through this I discovered fanny packs are the new utility belt (sorry, but not sorry Batman). 

As for the villains in this flick, yep they are here. Did I care about them? No. 

Pedro Pascal as Max (Slime)Lord comes off as a toon that clearly is based on our infamous and vile Prezzie Donald Trump. My issue with this is… The Donald would never care enough to save his kids, nah. Pascal’s performance will most likely incite polar reactions. I personally found it ran its course rather quickly and couldn’t help but feel like he was attempting to riff on Will Forte in the flick Extra Ordinary. As for Kristen Wiig as Cheetah - welllll…. I really thought after seeing Cats we would be done going down this road, but apparently that was only the beginning. Bottom line is, I just didn’t care about a plot based on a rock that granted wishes. 

This is a movie that, if you are planning to watch it, you will watch it and nothing will change your mind. This is fine, just don’t say that your favorite Old Sport didn’t tell you to watch: Extra Ordinary instead, which can be found here. 

Watch Wonder Woman 1984 on HBO Max, Christmas day.