Chapter 080: Purgatorio
Next episode airs tonight, 8pm eastern

by Rosalie Kicks, Editor in Chief, Old Sport

“It doesn’t even feel like Riverdale anymore…”.

OMG! Riverdale junkies, everything has changed and if you are anything like your favorite old sport, the adjustment is going to take some time. Change is hard, but with this latest installment of Riverdale one thing is clear: I am here until the end. 

Archie (K.J. Apa) and the gang have jumped seven years into the future and chapter 080 did a great job of providing a glimpse into what each main character has been up to. The show opens with Archie being discharged from the military after being involved in an accident. They ask that he return to Riverdale to run the ROTC program that has since become non-existent. Of course, his first stop is Pop’s diner. 

Pop’s seems to be about the only thing that has not changed in Riverdale since his last trip to town, except for maybe the underground basement bar which is now deemed the Whyte Worm. Ronnie’s speakeasy is no more and is officially Serpent territory, compliments of Hiram Lodge. Archie finds comfort quickly though when he spots a preggers, Toni Topaz (Vanessa Morgan) performing on stage. After a brief conversation after her song and dance number, Archie’s head seems ready to explode. There’s only one thing to do and that is to get the gang back together.

In what I feel was very much an homage to the Stephen King story It, Archie begins to phone his friends requesting their return to Riverdale, simply stating that they need to come home. As he contacts each person we get a view of their current life.

We find Betty Cooper (Lili Reinhart) in Quantico living the Clarice Starling life as a member of the FBI. Unfortunately though, due to royally screwing up a case by making a rookie mistake, she is currently being given the Fox Mulder basement banishment treatment and assigned to work cold cases. Due to her error in judgment, a serial killer known as the Trash Bag Killer (TBK) held her captive and escaped. All in all, things don’t seem to be going well for Betty. She is essentially a cat lady living with tons of trauma that she ignores and is having an undefined relationship with her coworker that seems to want more.

Ronnie (Camila Mendes) doesn’t find herself in a much better place, as it truly seems she married a version of Papa Toon aka her father Hiram Lodge (Mark Consuelos). She has dreams of being the “She-Wolf” of Wall Street but instead finds herself with a suffocating husband, Chadwick, that pines for her to be a baby factory. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to see this marriage is on the rocks and I am putting money down now, an affair with Archiekins is in the cards. Safe to say, Ronnie seemed more than thrilled to get the call from Arch.

As for Jughead (Cole Sprouse), I have two words: hot mess. It was at this point that I realized that the gang seems to be lost without Riverdale. Maybe it was the lack of Pop’s milkshakes and burgers for the past seven years that got them all in these terrible predicaments. We all know Pop’s food is actually from heaven, right? Regardless, Juggie, is on the verge of becoming a one hit wonder novelist, who day drinks in robe and has one night stands. I guess he didn’t learn that not all one night stands come without a price. It will be interesting to see how this current saga plays out. I blame the lack of beanie to be the cause of all his problems, he needs to get that crown back.

For Cheryl (Madelaine Petsch), I would love to report that she is thriving at Thornhill with Nana Rose, but instead it seems she has fallen down a well of insanity. After graduating, Toni tried to reignite the flame to restart the Choni relationship, but only received a cold shoulder in return. Cheryl compares her life to that of the Winchester family believing that she is forever cursed to live a life of tragedy and doom.

Honestly, Riverdale is in shambles guys and there is no one to blame other than Mr. Hiram “Toon” Lodge. Sure Riverdale had its problems, but what town doesn’t? Hiriam has managed to run all the good and decency outta the place and essentially turn it into Mega City-One or Gotham City. Busses no longer pass by, the school is on the verge of closing, the local firehouse is closed and those that have stayed behind are jobless and hungry. And for icing on the cake, there  may even be a new serial killer in town. 

The question is: will Archie and the gang be able to reclaim Riverdale or will they, too, succumb to Hiram’s wrath?