Season Five - Mid-Season Finale
Next episode airs on July 7, 2021 

by Rosalie Kicks, Editor-in-Chief, Old Sport 

“Screw you, Steven King.”

My day job has been a bit of a bear lately, causing me to neglect my weekly trip to Riverdale and, wow, did I miss a lot.

Here’s a rundown of the wildness that has rained down on Riverdale: 

• Aliens

• Serial Killer & The Pincushion Man

• Maple Mushrooms 🍄

• A Bughead Mystery™ in the works

• Hiram Lodge breaking clipboards over his knee

• My hatred of Chadwick has grown exponentially 

• OMG Archie & the gang played the key game

• Mumsie is backkk

• Prison escape

• The return of Varchie

• Uncle Charles’s wedding

Fellow Riverdalians, season five has gone places I never really imagined this program would go. I’ll admit, when this season first started, I was a bit concerned. Like most fellow beings of planet Earth, I am never too thrilled with change. However, Archie and the gang could not stay teens forever. With ten episodes into season five, I have found myself reinvigorated with the show.

As adults, everything has become more complicated for the characters. Jughead finds himself questioning whether he was abducted by aliens or is suffering from a past trauma along with his writer’s block.  Luckily, he has made friends with his boss, Tabitha at Pop’s Diner. Throughout this season, she has been there at some of Juggie’s lowest and most pickled (aka drunken) moments. I have a feeling, though, that by the end of season five, they will be more than just friends. I mean, come on, a lady that is willing to make him a psychedelic maple mushroom burger, lock him away in a bunker for safety during his trip with a milkshake and agrees to check on him is more than just a friend.

For a moment, I thought I saw a glimpse of a Bughead Mystery™ in the works. Although, I am not sure Betty is buying that whole alien thing. Juggie and Betty were giving me total Mulder and Scully vibes - and just throwing this out there… I am not a fan of this sort of thing, but X-Files reboot please? With Spooky Juggie and his scientific brainie partner, Betty Cooper. I would happily write this, just give me a call. 

Speaking of Betty, she is still suffering from nightmares and is in some serious need of therapy. It seems her problems have only been exacerbated with her sister Polly missing and possibly being abducted by a serial killer or… aliens. On the bright side, Betty did have that shower time with Archiekins. Unfortunately that was just a bit of afternoon delight and she had to return to her living hell. On top of everything else she has going on, imagine living with those red headed twins: Juniper and Dagwood aka nightmare fuel.  Betty’s mother Alice Cooper (ha! I just realized that is funny) really has her hands full and seems to find comfort in bottles of vino. There is no question the Coopers are a serial killer family dynasty, which was made evident with the most recent visit from brother Charles and his fiancee Chic. Never did I ever play a game of Pincushion Man at a wedding, but wow, brother Charles sure knows how to get a party started.

Then there is Ronnie. This girl just can’t catch a break and, honestly, I think she may need to murder Chadwick. That husband of hers is NO and has essentially replaced Daddykins as her nemesis. Chad is an absolute douche canoe. Not only will he not grant her a divorce, but he has run her into extreme debt. Too bad Riverdale dollars can’t cover the tab. As much as I was pleased for Archie and Betty getting it on and working out some of their teenage frustration, I was beyond thrilled to see Varchie make their epic return. As Momma Andrews said so long ago, these two are “end game”. I think the only thing standing in Ronnie’s way is Chadwick breathing in and out.

As for Archiekins, he seems to find himself with the least amount of drama. Sure, he has this Ronnie issue and his Uncle Frank just showed up on his doorstep after a Hiram Lodge instigated prison break. All in all though, Archie is doing quite swell in comparison. Speaking of Hiram, he continues to aspire to turn Riverdale into a full blown Gotham. Between planning prison breaks, burning down Thornhill groves and breaking clipboards over his knee, he has taken to the cartoon villain role quite well. 

I think it was safe to say, Cheryl Blossom was looking to stir up some drama in her life when she decided to host a key game. Cheryl’s intentions, of course, are rarely in the right place and well this party just ended up blowing up right in her face. She fanned the flames, causing several relationships to implode (ie Kevin and Fangs). Rather than bringing her closer to her love Toni Topaz she managed to put the nail in the coffin. Maybe with the return of Mumsie, Cheryl will find her footing. Only in Riverdale, will a Prison Break provide so many magical family moments.

All in all, Riverdalians, I am excited to see where all these stories head in the second half of season five. My hope is that the show continues to come in with the weird and not be afraid to explore more of the supernatural and unconventional story lines. I think where this show succeeds is that it is open to trying different things, by not allowing ideas to get stale.