Welcome back to How to Start Watching, in which our staff will recommend movies that will help you start watching a particular genre, director, film movement, etc. It’s a list of movies, but with a purpose that isn’t recounting the best or even favorites. Each entry will suggest a few films that will help you find a way into more movies! A starter pack, if you will.

by Nikkolas Nelson, Cinematic Maniac, Staff Writer

The Good, the Bad, and The Uwe

The release of the new Mortal Kombat (2021) film and my companion retrospective piece got me thinking about video game movies in general. Video games and movies have always had a strange relationship. They have a lot in common and ultimately have very similar, if not the same, goals. So, why then are video game movies so bad? To clarify, what I mean is movies that are strictly based on video games. For example, you can call Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010) and Guns Akimbo (2019) videogame movies, and in my opinion, they are the two best video game movies so far ever made, but since they’re not based on actual video games, they can’t strictly be called video game movies. Video game movies specifically have an interesting cinematic history. Not really a good one. But, I think, a fun one.

The Genesis (No Pun Intended)

Super Mario Bros. (dirs. Rocky Morton, Annabel Jankel, 1993)

The late eighties and early to mid-nineties were a very special time to be a kid. Looking back, it was the unfolding of a broader economic realization that kids drive a large part of adult spending. And I remember this manifesting in weird ways tied to movies. For example, my friends and I had Robocop action figures and toys. Robocop (1987) was considered a kid’s movie. Think about that for a minute. The same could be said for Batman (1989)—it even had a sugary breakfast cereal. Neither of those films are even remotely appropriate for children. But we goddamn loved them. And Hollywood saw that and thought, ‘What else do kids love that we could turn into movies?’ Well, we were banana sandwich for anything and everything Nintendo. 

My theory is that Super Mario Brothers (1993) is all The Wizard (1989)’s fault. For those unfamiliar, The Wizard, more or less, was a giant Nintendo commercial. Specifically, a commercial for the release of Super Mario Brothers 3, arguably the biggest Nintendo game ever made. With the success of that film tied to the number of console/game sales in the US, a live action Super Mario Brothers movie I guess made sense? But how do you translate a very simple 8-bit video game about a plumber rescuing a princess into a movie? Well, apparently, you keep the plumbers/princess angle but the rest of it is a surreal Blade Runner/Back to the Future II/Mad Max-esque fever dream about an alternate universe of human/dinosaur hybrid people ruled by Dennis Hopper. 

Bob Hoskins said multiple times this movie was the biggest mistake of his career. And, again, it is bad, and also sort of, kind of, really not meant for kids. Back in the day, a friend of mine’s fundamentalist parents weren’t sure if Jurassic Park (1993) was appropriate for children so to be sure, they sent my friend and her sister to see Super Mario Brothers in theaters while they “screened” Jurassic Park. Because, well, Super Mario Brothers is safe, right? A kid’s movie? That was one of the funniest fucking things I’d ever heard and pretty much sums up fundamentalism’s relationship with just about everything. I fucking love this movie and always will. I am a big John Leguizamo fan, especially at the time, and I adore Samantha Mathis. 

Double Dragon (dir. James Yukich, 1994)

Yet another video game mentioned in The Wizard, this classic beat ‘em up adaptation keeps the post-apocalypse feel of Super Mario Brothers but adds bad karate, street gangs, mutants, Robert Patrick in a silver bouffant, Andy Dick as a weatherman, Alyssa Milano with an Eminem haircut, and something something about a medallion. I still love it. Mark Dacascos is a crazy talented martial artist and a wholly underrated actor, in my opinion. 

Next Steps: Go see Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001) immediately.  

Do We Fighting or Do We Shooting?

I don’t know if it’s because fighting games and shooters are the most popular genres, especially for teenage boys, or if it’s because the elements of these games easily lend themselves to the production of action movies, but for whatever reason, the majority of video game movies are based on one or the other. 

Street Fighter (dir. Steven E. de Souza, 1994) and Mortal Kombat (dir. Paul. W.S. Anderson, 1995)

I’ve discussed both of these films in other MovieJawn pieces. The former is terrible, roundly despised, and was the beginning of the end for JCVD’s career. However, I still appreciate it, mostly for the very sweet story of it being Raul Julia’s final performance. Dying of cancer, he wanted to make the movie for his kids because they were massive fans of the Street Fighter II video game. The latter is a very decent movie, in fact, one of the best video game movies ever made. That’s not saying much but, again, I love it. 

Next Steps: If you want to brave the sequel, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), I guarantee you’ll either be disappointed or be disappointed while laughing really hard. I had a lot of fun with DOA: Dead or Alive (2006), directed by Corey Yuen (director of one of my noted favorites No Retreat No Surrender). Jaime Pressly got in amazing shape for it, Kevin Nash plays her dad, and Eric Roberts is the villain. What more could you ask for? I also gave Tekken (2010) a watch. It was cool to see Mortal Kombat’s Shang-Tsung (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa) return as the villain Heihachi but other than that, it was a bit of a yawn fest for me. 

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (dir. Simon West, 2001) and Resident Evil (dir. Paul W.S. Anderson, 2002)

Hollywood has a habit of taking a video game that has character, mood, atmosphere, and depth, and turning it into a shoot ‘em up action flick. I’m not complaining, necessarily, but I remember being super pissed when, after being so excited to hear that George Romero was going to be directing the Resident Evil film adaptation, learning that he was summarily fired. When you see either of these films, you understand why a director like Romero is not at all suited for them. I found the former to be completely forgettable. Its sequel, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider—The Cradle of Life (2003), equally so. Angelina Jolie does her best but when you take the heart of what makes the video games great out of the movie, you can’t expect any sort of longevity.

Resident Evil (2002), on the other hand, would go on to spawn five sequels making Milla Jovovich and husband Paul W.S. Anderson the undisputed queen and king of video game movies. I like the original film the best. I think the horror elements are what gave the franchise more distance versus others like Tomb Raider, which did get a reboot in 2018 but, in my opinion, it suffers from the same exact problems and is instantly forgettable. 

Next Steps: I have a soft spot for Doom (2005). I love me some Karl Urban and it has a fun, goofy twist if you’re familiar with The Rock’s very early film career. I fucking love Timothy Olyphant too so Hitman (2007) is another fun/dumb one for me. I have yet to see its reboot Hitman: Agent 47 (2015) but I am curious. Silent Hill (2006) and its sequel are great if you’re looking for a creepier and less coherent take on the Resident Evil film formula. I’ll put Max Payne (2008) in this bunch too. It’s fun to watch Mark Wahlberg try to be moody, dark, and tortured. And as far as Hollywood trying to translate the requisite mood/atmosphere and failing spectacularly, you can check out Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010) and Assassin’s Creed (2016) as well. Lastly, although I haven’t seen it, I have to bet that Monster Hunter (2020) is another Resident Evil sequel in a different skin.   

Uwe Boll

This man gets his own category. If Milla Jovovich and Paul W.S. Anderson are the queen and king of video game movies, then Uwe Boll is the court jester. Until now, I had managed to never see an Uwe Boll movie end to end. I remember his films being notoriously terrible and sporadically I would hear or read interviews with him and he seemed like an asshole. So, I never bothered watching any of his films. But you can’t write an article about video game movies and not discuss Uwe Boll and you can’t discuss Uwe Boll if you’ve never actually seen any of his movies. So, for you, MovieJawners, I subjected myself to this and I have to say, goddammit, I had fun. 

House of the Dead (2003) and Alone in the Dark (2005)

Did you ever think you could take an on-rails arcade shooter and turn it into a zombie movie? Well, fucking Uwe Boll did. House of the Dead (2003) is dumb, it’s weird, it’s nonsensical, it splatters. Don’t threaten me with a good time. The opening crawl of Alone in the Dark (2005) feels like the longest opening crawl in cinema history. Poor Christian Slater and Tara Reid staring down the barrel of utter career failure. Still, I didn’t hate it. It at least tries to have a story.

BloodRayne (2006)

Medieval vampire flick and it’s not bad, maybe. The existence of the cast is mind boggling: Billy Zane, Meat Loaf, Udo Kier, Michelle Rodriguez. Michael Madsen, and Sir. Ben. Fucking. Kingsley. How did this happen? How does this exist? Uwe Boll, motherfuckers. 

Postal (2007)

Do you ever feel like a movie happens to you? That’s the feeling I got watching Postal (2007). Since I’d never played the game, I watched a playthrough video online, thinking, perhaps this is the video game? No, no it’s not. It tries to be a spoof, I think? At times, I felt like I was watching a Matt Stone/Trey Parker movie but with a clumsy, even weirder, zero subtlety. How do I figure out if you would like this movie? Um, would you like to see Dave Foley’s cock? Would you like to see Verne Troyer raped by a CGI chimp? Would you like to try and figure out what the hell J.K. Simmons is doing here? Or, maybe you’d like to see Uwe Boll playing himself getting in a fistfight with the actual game’s developer? If so, then this movie can happen to you too. 

Next Steps: No. Just, no. 

Video game movies aren’t going away anytime soon. Warcraft (2016), Rampage (2018), Detective Pikachu (2019), and Sonic the Hedgehog (2020) alone grossed over $1.5 billion. There are currently twenty-three video game movies in various stages of development. Will any of them ever be good? Only time will tell.