by Hunter Bush, Staff Writer

Howdy everyone! I hope you’re all happy and healthy as we head into the shortest month; Aquarius and then Pisces season: It’s February! My birth month! The world is a mess, stress levels are off the charts, and everyone’s brains are mush, so don’t feel bad if you forgot to get me anything. You can just share this column with your friends/followers/contact list.

The name of the game here is Remakes, Adaptations and Legacy Sequels. Welcome to Everything Old Is New Again, the column where I scrye into the future via my crystal ball (the internet) to predict what films (or series) are coming out in the following month based on some kind of previously existing Intellectual Property or concept. Is this movie based on a book, song, or older movie? It’s EOINA material! Is that streaming series an elaborate retelling of a popular IP? EOINA!

In the PREMIERE sections, I’ll give you a breakdown of what I know of the central IP, tell you what I think of the available footage/trailers, and let you know if I personally would spend my free time watching it. I’ll also provide a recommendation or two for older films/series that meet EOINA criteria in the SPOTLIGHT section. So let’s get started!

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PREMIERES

EOINA relevant films coming to screens big & small

4th

Jackass Forever (dir. Jeff Tremiane)
Where: in theaters

Following up on previous installments in stunt/prank documentary series from 2002, ‘06, and ‘10, this COVID-delayed final installment may finally hit screens this time. I will admit that I love these guys (except for reasonably-local Bam Margera who has always seemed like a real brat, but regardless, he is battling his own demons so will not be returning for this installment as far as I know). That said I AM GLAD this is the last one. I really don’t want to watch these guys die on screen. Even knowing that Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O were both hospitalized while filming it will make this an uncomfortable experience in schadenfreude. But they just seem like such genuinely nice, and good-hearted people. I guess your tolerance for pranks will mean your mileage may vary, but I would direct you to pretty much any interview with especially Knoxville or Steve-O, to find people who just kind of enjoy putting themselves in these situations. They’re wired for only the dumbest kind of danger: like riding bicycles into a life-size, forced-perspective photograph of the horizon (a la Looney Tunes), or getting into a pen with a bull (somehow a Knoxville signature) or what have you. Not for everyone but I grew up with these dumbdumbs and they hold a sentimental spot for me. Not going to theaters myself, but as soon as I can, I’ll be VOD-ing this bad Larry.

Slapface (dir. Jeremiah Kipp)
Where: Shudder

Based on writer/director Jeremiah Kipp’s own short film, this is one of those Kid Has An Imaginary Friend That’s Maybe Not So Imaginary And Is Definitely Spooky flicks. A noted subgenre that we’re all familiar with, right? Z, and Daniel Isn’t Real, and Donnie Darko are all more recent/well-known examples. Harvey is a non-spooky version. Drop Dead Fred is kind of a hair’s breadth away from going full on psychological horror; but I digress. In Slapface (kind of a bad title, right?), Lucas (August Maturo) seems like kind of a lonely kid. He looks like he’s getting picked on by a handful of girls (one, while holding his arms back tells another to spit on him) and then an older boy who I think is his brother (?) plays Slap-Face with him. I’ve never played Slap-Face, because if someone had invited me to, I’d have offered them a jaunty round of the game Head-Kick or possibly Tabasco-Chug as recompense, but it seems like the game is just maybe slapping each other in the face until one of you quits? Seemingly unrelatedly Lucas spends some time in an abandoned something (some kind of building) where there’s a little almost-shrine of candles and whatnot where he first encounters a cloth-draped figure which he only refers to as “she”, saying “She doesn’t eat the bad kids up, she’s their friend.” which, if you’ve chosen some kind of spooky playmate with revenge on your mind, having them befriend your nemeses kind of stinks. Poor Lucas. Dan Hedaya is also in this, possibly as Lucas’ father (?) and saying something along the lines of “Sometimes we do terrible things. We can’t help it.” which could apply to anything theoretically. Overall this looks fairly unremarkable, BUT I’m probably going to check it out because I’d like to see how all these seemingly fairly unrelated bits tie together (bullies, Slap-Face, Hedaya backstory, spooky friend). My one complaint is that the new It Thing for horror trailers seems to be what I think of as Music Box Sound Effects wherein there’s a lot of creaky, groaning sounds, and clicks and ticks, like winding a music box but s-p-o-o-k-y. It was probably made famous in the Us trailer, but it was kicking (and clicking) around for a while before that. Now it’s everywhere and unless it has anything to do with anything then it’s just become the new BWAH (you know what I mean; the Inception noise that just became ubiquitous) and therefore overdone and boring. So let’s see some originality, trailer sound designers!

11th

Death on the Nile (dir. Kenneth Branagh)
Where: in theaters

Based on the Hercule Poirot mysteries penned by Agatha Christie, this sequel to 2019’s Murder on the Orient Express was ALSO delayed by COVID. I loved MotOE and Could Not Wait for this follow-up. Once again, this is the kind of locked-room mystery that I associate with both Christie and her Poirot character (played by director Kenneth Branagh here) in that a murder has occurred on a boat and, as Randy famously said in the original Scream “Everybody’s a suspect!”. As Branagh himself is the only major character to carry over from the previous installment, this sequel will rely on interesting casting to catch people’s interest. To that end, the cast includes Gal Godot, famously anti-vax Letitia Wright, famous implied sexual cannibal Armie Hammer, the great Jennifer Saunders, Annette Bening, and … *checks notes* Russell Brand? Where has Brand been? He was EVERYWHERE for a while there. Hunh. Anyway, I really enjoyed the imagination and camp of the last installment, so I’m all in on this. Still NOT visiting theaters, but again - when can I VOD it?

18th

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (dir. David Blue Garcia)
Where: Netflix

Wow. This is kind of a big get for Netflix, right? Or has TC(s)M’s star faded so much? To be fair, I’ve only seen about HALF of this (confusingly-titled and confusingly-timelined) franchise, but I’ve enjoyed what I’ve seen just fine. 1974’s original Texas Chain Saw Massacre is an unimpeachable work of genius; terrifying without being very explicit at all.’86’s Texas Chainsaw (now one word) Massacre 2 is also great but is a totally different genre: horror comedy (like Gremlins 2). Never saw 1990’s Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3. 1995’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation is extremely weird but thrilling, with great early appearances from Renee Zellweiger and Matthew McConaughey and an incomprehensible undercurrent of mid-90s conspiracy paranoia. 2003’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was …fine. It nowhere near lived up to the original despite trying painfully hard, and after that I do not believe I’ve checked in on what my pal Leatherface has been up to. Which brings us to 2022’s direct-to-Netflix, no “The”, Texas Chainsaw Massacre. To be quite honest, this trailer gave me very little to go on. Leatherface and the titular chainsaw are present, as well as at least three kids, one of whom must scramble thru a crawl space away from the chainsaw as it cuts through the floor above her like some kind of inverse shark’s fin. If this were the theatrical trailer I’d be underwhelmed but, knowing that I can just click this on after work that day (or whatever), or that it might start auto-playing after I finish the latest Bake Off, I’m fine with it.

Uncharted (dir. Ruben Fleischer)
Where: in theaters

Are we SURE this is happening? Like, they’re not gonna push it back? Weird. It’s been SO LONG in development that you’d think they wouldn’t bury it in mid-February. Anyway, the Uncharted video game series began in 2007. Remember back in the day (or maybe you don’t) where the pitch on the Tomb Raider games was that it was a bit like Indiana Jones, but with a lady? Well the Uncharted games are a bit like Tomb Raider, but with a dude. Yet oddly it never feels quite like an Indiana Jones game. I’d never played any of them until the initial COVID lockdown in Philadelphia where Playstation graciously put the trilogy (as well as the also excellent, yet totally different game Journey) up for free in their store, to help folks combat boredom while housebound. I’ve got to tell you that I legitimately loved the games! Much the same as I’ve loved the recent Tomb Raider games, the puzzle-solving, wall-climbing, jeep-driving, gun-firing, and globe-hopping was just absolutely dynamite, plus they were all tied together with fun, semi-supernatural storylines (that gradually get more openly supernatural) and a likeable protagonist who’s charming and quippy and kind of a dork. Enter: this movie which casts Tom Holland as protagonist Nathan Drake and Mark Wahlberg as his mentor/partner Victor Sullivan. Both fine in their own right(s) but, in my opinion, totally wrong for these roles. They’re both too young. That aside, this looks like it might abandon the supernatural aspect (though they might just be keeping it on the low in trailers; the surprise of which would be its own surprise) in favor of James Bond type globe-hopping intrigue meets Pirates of the Caribbean style high concept action set pieces. This looks fun, but not a must-watch for me. Now, cast Nathan Fillion as Drake and say, Keith David as Sullivan and I’d be a LOT more enthused. The cast DOES feature Antonio Banderas though, so …not too shabby.

Legend of Vox Machina (series)
Where: Prime

Critical Role is a web series-turned-podcast-turned-gaming empire starring a group of professional actors/voice actors playing Dungeons & Dragons that has been going since 2015. In D&D - in case you don’t know - you create a character and role play as them throughout your adventure: you expand their story, grow their character and generally lend them the kind of life that makes them much more fully fleshed out that you may think possible if you’ve never had the experience. The CR folks own all of their IP created on the show and Legend of Vox Machina spins out of the world they’ve created. Vox Machina is the name of the party (that’s the group of main characters) and is composed of the kinds of characters you’d expect in a fantasy setting: spell casters, thieves, barbarians, brigands, swashbucklers, and etc. The trailer also offers kind of little to go on story-wise, instead coasting on attitude. It’s less concerned with the specifics of their adventures than it is with letting you know that these characters are gonna swear, and do violence, and - one would presume - also sex (just a guess). I’ll be honest with you all, I’ve never actually checked out Critical Role  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  Not for any big reason, I just wasn’t doing “web series” when they started to become A Thing. More recently, I’ve been skipping it because (minor spoilers) I’m preparing a D&D project and don’t want any accidental influence from what is probably the most popular actual play group ever to creep in. BUT. Would I watch this? Sure. While the tone and perspective of the trailer don’t thrill me, CR’s reputation is more than enough for me to want to check this out …after my D&D project is underway.

SPOTLIGHT – Not new, but EOINA material, and worth a watch

1st

Gone in 60 Seconds (2000) (dir. Dominic Sena)
Where: Hulu

This year 2000 remake of the 1974 film of the same name stars Nic Cage (my dude) as Memphis Raines (yup!), a retired car thief who is roped back into the world of automotive boosting to save his brother (Giovanni Ribisi) from a crime lord played by one of the Doctors Who - Christopher Eccleston. Coming out a year before The Fast and the Furious, this movie scratches all the same dumb, fun, action movie itches as that one, including the extremely diverse cast of excellent character actors: the cast is rounded out by (deep breath) Delroy Lindo, Robert DuVall, Angelina Jolie, Timothy Olyphant, Chi McBride, Scott Caan, Vinnie Jones, and small appearances from John Carroll Lynch, and Michael Peña! Sure, it’s got a thumping late-’90s electronic dance soundtrack (for the most part, aside from a ballad by The Cult), and is directed like a knockoff Michael Bay, but all in all, it’s just so FUN. It’s quotable, endearing, and ends with a barbeque… just like the Fast & Furious films. Part of me wishes this would have been the flick that turned into a 10-installment, globe spanning franchise co-starring The Rock. Maybe check it out with that concept in mind?

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And there you have it. I hope you’ve found something new to keep your eye on; something that has piqued your interest and is worth your time. If you watch any of these things and want to chat about it, you can reach out on social media - twitter, instagram, letterboxd - and start a conversation.

Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to the MovieJawn team for hosting and posting! If you’re not entirely sick of me and would like to listen to me co hosting the Hate Watch/Great Watch podcast with Allison Yakulis, we have a double feature this February: two Baz Luhrmann flicks! Romeo + Juliet which I historically liked and Allison did not, and Moulin Rouge!, which is the vice versa. It’s Lovin’ with Luhrmann, parts 1 & 2 and we hope you enjoy them!

Until next time - Long Live the Movies!