Cocaine Bear
Written by Jimmy Warden
Directed by Elizabeth Banks
Starring Ray Liotta, Keri Russell, Margo Martindale and Alden Ehrenreich
Running time 1 hour and 25 minutes
MPAA Rating R for language throughout, drug content, bloody violence and gore
In Theaters February 24

by Rosalie Kicks, Editor in Chief and Old Sport

“I’d love to not remember that.”

Before an image from the film Cocaine Bear even graces the screen, the Jefferson Starship song, “Jane” blares. From that moment forward, I could not stop myself from contemplating what it would be like if Orange Cassidy (of All Elite Wrestling fame) did cocaine.

For those not aware of the awesomeness that is Orange Cassidy, I am here to enlighten you. He got his start in the professional indie wrestling circuit in 2004 and was signed to All Elite Wrestling (AEW) in 2019. Prior to his debut with AEW, my partner in crime Ben had been flapping his gums about this Orange dude (who lives in Philly by the way) and I just gave him the old “yea, yea, yea” treatment. Ben was fairly new to the wild world of professional wrastlin’ after a multi-decade break. I on the other hand had been a wrestling stan (shout-out to Katie McBrown for telling me about this hip word all the kids started using fifteen years ago) since I was old enough to purchase candy cigarettes with my own money; i.e. five years old. Everything changed though when I watched this match between Cassidy and Gentleman Jervis. I had never seen anything quite like this.

Due to his lethargic movements (he literally steamrolls into the ring) and languishing pace, his fighting style is often referred to as slothful. Even his costuming is a departure from the typical flashiness associated with pro wrestlers. His ring gear consists of denim jacket, a t-shirt featuring a picture of a picture of himself in his own tee, jeggings and a pair of aviator ray-bans. It should be noted: this guy wrestles with the ray-ban shades on and with his hands in his pockets throughout most of his matches. Whenever Orange is in the ring, the audience is in a for a treat.

I know what you are thinking (or maybe you stopped reading)…. why in the hell am I talking about this wrestler person and what does it have to do with this talkie, Cocaine Bear? Wellll.. I should have got this out of the way right at the start. Cocaine Bear is not good. In fact, I found it be much like the animal itself when it is hibernating: listless. However, what brought on all this Orange Cassidy chatter is “Jane” which coincidentally is Orange’s entrance song. In wrestling, entrance music is a huge deal as it sets the tone and is part of the wrestler’s personality/gimmick. In the indies, Orange Cassidy was known for his “Jane” entrance. Initially upon being signed to AEW he utilized this tune until the licensing was secured by Mr. Tony Kahn aka Moneybags.

It was not just the song though that reminded me of Orange, it was also the bear itself. Prior to the plot kicking off, the movie informs us, compliments of Wikipedia, that bears are not mean or malicious, and instead are known to be gentle and tolerant animals. Welllll.. that is until they sniff some sugar. This along with “Jane” really made me ponder just what it would be like to witness Orange - who shares many characteristics as noted above- in the ring after a bump. I’d imagine the outcome would be a stupendous display of flesh-on-flesh action.

Now back to the movie… The central story line of Elizabeth Banks’s third feature is that a man on a jet plane falls from the sky and with him a bunch of cocaine lands in a Georgia forest. Inevitably, a bear finds the powdery stimulant, ingests it and well, I think it is self explanatory… the bear goes bananas. Following the drug blunder, a bunch of random people descend to the great outdoors with various motivations. Sari (Keri Russell) is a mother in search of her school-cutting daughter Dee Dee (Brooklynn Prince) and pal Henry (Christian Convery). While Daveed (O’Shea Jackson Jr.) and Eddie (Alden Ehrenreich) are sent on a mission per Eddie’s drug lord father Syd (Ray Liotta) in search of the missing coke. Along the way, other characters are introduced such as Park Ranger Liz (Margo Martindale), a gaggle of teens and Detective Bob (Isiah Whitlock Jr.) with his doggo co-hort Rosette. There are others, but it is really not important. Essentially, these characters find themselves up against a bear that took a bump of snow and let’s just say things don’t go too well for most of them.

I want to be clear: I was not expecting much from this film other than to be entertained by its camp trashiness and thought it would be an experience akin to Snakes On a Plane. Instead I found an eighty-five minute flick that felt more like I just took a journey on the Titanic. There was too much talking from characters that I simply didn’t care about (Alden if you’re reading this: I still absolutely adore you and am pleased as punch that you blessing us with your presence via the silver screen once more). Contrary to the person behind me in the theater that was having fits of hysterical laughter, I did not find this to be the least bit funny. Instead I was fatigued, and much like how I used to feel after a hangover; angered that I did this to myself.

As for the story, it often felt that the music selection took precedent over the actual filmmaking. Each scene seemed to be hallmarked with a specific tune of the eighties to serve as a reminder that yes! we are indeed watching a movie set in nineteen hundred and eighty-five. I did get quite a kick out of watching the entire ambulance scene play out though, that was some pretty gnarly filmmaking. When a pair of medics arrive to the park in an attempt to assist the wounded Park Ranger, they unfortunately find their rescue plan foiled by the titular bear. It is this scene in particular that makes me want to believe that Elizabeth Banks does have directing talent, it just needs to be developed more, especially in terms of pacing.

Maybe I’m a film snob as my great film pal, Hunter Bush informed me on Thursday evening and everyone will think I’m off my rocker with this take. I realize that if your heart is set on watching this thing, my little old “review” will not sway you. I implore you to follow your heart. I’m sure this Tinseltown romp is going to do gangbusters at the box office and the kids are gonna love it (said in Martin McFly voice). Which is totally fine. Not every film is made for my particular eccentric Bela Lugosi fanatical interests. When it is time for me to be tucked under the blankie in my forever bunk, I will go to the grave happy knowing that I told our dear readers of MovieJawn about Orange Cassidy and possibly got someone to care more about him than a cocaine loving bear. With this being Ray Liotta’s final picture before ghost life, he may not be resting so soundly.