by J †Johnson, Staff Writer 

Dragula: Season 666
A Boulet Brothers’ Dragula Season 666 Serial Commentary
Episode 4 “The Ghost Train”
Now streaming on Shudder 

It does seem to be all about you.
—Auntie Heroine

Are we about to fight over some jewels?
—Grey Matter

Let the bitches fight.
—Jaharia 

When we call your name, please float forward.
—Dracmorda

I kind of love and also hate the hair.
—Swanthula

You can’t really get there but you’re trying to.
—Majesty

I didn’t come this far to be beat by some haunt actor.
—Vivvi the Force 

The pain train is about to leave the station.
—Swanthula 

Majesty is read, ghosts are blue / If you love hearse-ry rhymes, this episode’s for you. It’s Haunted Caboose week and the Boulets seem to have been possessed by an orange rhyming dictionary. We’re having a snappy little conversation, and the next thing we know, they go Groovie Goolies on us, daddy-o. At least it’s not a musical, but it’s still upsetting.

Meanwhile, Auntie’s had it with Majesty’s tendency to redirect the conversation to their thoughts, feelings, and backstory. Just when Majesty’s utter predictability is getting funny, Momma Auntie snaps. And while Auntie’s scolding tone is bracing, it’s their eye rolls and half smirks that really feed us. Thanks to the camera operators and editors for reliably cutting to Auntie every time Majesty reheats that dish. We’re in shady one-shot heaven. 

No curse, though. No curse! And no product tie-in fright feat. Though we do get a costume jewelry sponsorship. And what lovely accouterments! The beat between Israel laying down the trays and the monsters falling upon them is peak edge play. 

There are lots of scrumptious details in this otherwise middling episode. We’re at the point where we have a pretty good sense of everyone’s deal. We know all their names and it’s getting more difficult to spot who’s wearing the red shirt. It’s a comfy nook, sort of, even if the monsters look and sound a little strained. The workroom arrival segment at the last supper table is getting excruciating, but not as soul crushing as the choo choo dance Yuri desperately instigates after everyone takes their stations. Bless her heart, she’s trying to loosen these ghosts up, but it’s tighter than a new pair of cheap sunglasses in here. If you’re into awkward porn, you’ll want to rewind to the brittle repartee at the table.

And then they start picking teams. Oh Godzilla, we died watching them speed date in stage lighting. Like, we’ve watched people do this at parties as they decide who to stand next to, whose conversational skills are not glitching too much tonight. But do you remember doing it in broad daylight on a playground, or have you ever done it at a fucking conference? With no booze? No dark corners? Nightmare fuel. We live, and we die, to paraphrase Pi. The rhyming demon strikes again! 

It gets worse—or better, depending on what kind of monster you are. Well, OK, if you’re an energy vampire, you either just fed on Sweet Greyby Jesus in the Cauldron (so they have nothing left for you), or all that negative energy is making you drool on your Oxford. The ghost of Grey’s drag is going through it before hitting that Tesla Coil, and the lighting is not doing them any favors. Grey’s even shook in the confession booth, dropping the dry ice monotone and almost melting down. Pretty sure this means they’re about to slay the room—if that’s not their skeleton at the end of the episode.

Whew! This therapy session is helping us, and we hope it’s helping you. What’s so off about this episode is not that it’s a harbinger of the midseason doldrums, because Dragula doesn’t have time for that in its taut 10-episode chase. That itchy feeling on our neck is the horror of full-blown awkwardness ambling toward us. And it’s covering ground deceptively fast. Maybe part of it is that we don’t have the pressure valve release of say-anything monsters like Scylla and Desiree. And, of course, we’re in the aftermath of Chickengate (thank you, Aurora, for coining this term), so everyone is taking a nervous breath. No doubt we’re all waiting for the next heel to drop.

OK, so here’s what’s gonna happen when we finally fall off this cliff. Neither Vivvi nor Grey is going anywhere. They are both going to be exterminated. And they will rise again when Majesty volunteers to go home (or back to the hotel with Severity, Scylla, and Desiree, where Majesty will torment them with self-aggrandizing self-pity but also help them elevate their drag). Then everyone will return to the show, and we’ll start over at Welcome Back to Hell! The End?

Things to watch for:

† Yuri and Aurora took notes from last week’s critiques. Yuri also took Majesty’s workroom advice literally and they both benefited this week. Will Grey Matter, if allowed to return, take the Boulets’ advice and drag it up next week? Grey went full-on Knott’s Scary Farm this week, but with less fog and no sparks. And yes, Grey has a background as a scare actor, but they are also a talented drag monster who knows well how to go big. Exaggerate the profile. Elaborate the details. Flounce it up. This week, they could have done all that and still drawn from their background to give us a drag scare actor. That’s what they have to process: Be yourself, do your art, and for the love of Elvira, drag it for TV.

† The Boulets are committed to the bit. That is to say every season has a more or less subtle theme (this one is Play the Game: Filthy Glamour in Haunted Hollywood) and several motifs that play off that grand arc. This week was curseless, but right when we thought we would get away without a full-moon curveball, they pulled a TO BE CONTINUED on our asses. Expect them to lock (us) in next week and turn this shit upside down.

† The tone will also get flipped. All that nervous energy and rigid awkwardness is going to explode into a skeleton dance. That was some first hour of the party shit, and this thing is about to get loud. Three teams of three was an hors d'oeuvre and, assuming someone does go home, we have an even number to split. If Episode 5 is not the Monsters of Rock Challenge, oh girl it’s coming. And this cast was born bad, so they’re made for that one.