Directed by Guy Ritchie (2017)
by Jaime Davis, The Fixer

Look, I know nothing about the myth that is King Arthur so don't quiz me, ok? But that sure as hell didn't stop me from checking out King Arthur: Legend of the Sword because JUDE LAWWWWW is in this. And DJIMONNNNN is in this. And BANAAAAAA is in this. And LITTLEFINGER FROM GOT! And everyone's most hated barmaid from Peaky Blinders (aka Tom Cruise's main squeeze). And the girl I have a crush on from Merlin, but she's only in it for a hot sec and a half so don't get excited!! And that Lil British Scrub, Charlie Hunnam, as King Arthur. A lotta lords and ladies be buggin' about this buff lump of Yorkshire pudding, but your girl Jaime can't care. I remember him from his scrawny, pasty Undeclared days so he does like, literally nothing for me. Nothing, I tell you!

And in King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, he basically gets his fine ass (empirically Hunnam is attractive) handed to him on a silversmithed platter by none other than Acting God Amongst Acting Gods, the Lord Almighty Jude Law. Because Dear Lort in Heaven Above, Mr. Law steals every goddamn scene he's in, but in a way that just seems so motherfucking easy. Almost like he isn't even trying. Because he doesn't have to! He's The Law of the Land. To him, acting like a crazytrain murdering monster is akin to like, I don't know, breathing. Or eating an entire container of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls in one sitting. That easy, y'all. Which is a crying ass shame, because apparently no one is going to see this. Sadly it's already been declared dead and (as of this post's publication) it ain't even out yet.

I don't really get how movies become flops outright...do you? I mean, I get why some movies flop, movies like The Lone Ranger and R.I.P.D. Those movies are just piles of dookie you see on the sidewalk in the morning and then you spend like maybe 20 minutes or so trying to decide if it's human or animal poop (hint: most likely it's human). But what about some of the flops that fall into a gray area? Like Green Lantern? The comic has a built-in fan base and Ryan Reynolds is fairly popular. So what happened? I know a lot of people who actually enjoy Jupiter Ascending, despite that whole Channing Tatum as half-man, half-dog thing. And say what you will about it, but John Carter did not deserve the backlash it received at the box office. Green Lantern aside, these other two films were at least trying to be different, original, by taking little-known stories and bringing them to life. Hollywood, currently bracing for disappointing summer box office returns, is quick to blame "franchise fatigue" - well then do something about it, you buncha dummy fucks! You didn't think people would get tired of the same shit regurgitated over and over, as if funneled through The Human Centipede? Because that's where we're at now. Eight Fast and Furious "movies," a Power Rangers reboot, that asinine King Kong thing that came out earlier this year, another Pirates jawn (yawn)...I'm this close to being done with you, Hollywood. This. Fucking. Close. And then you have the audacity to dog something that isn't quite half-bad, in the grand scheme of things.

I don't want to blame director Guy Ritchie for King Arthur's problems (though I know I should). Because I like you, Ritchie! I really like you. Even when you married Madonna and the world collectively facepalmed themselves. Even when you remade that Italian movie with Madonna, who, despite all efforts is not an actor, and it was nothing short of an abomination. Even when you made Revolver and RocknRolla and I was all, c'mon dude, you are 256% better than this. But I was still in your corner, Guy! Because you directed Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels as well as Snatch - two films I happen to adore. And while critics and audiences may scoff at Ritchie's choice of giving the King Arthur myth the royal, trademarked Ritchie treatment (erratic editing, borderline strange-interesting music choices, banter-y interludes that appear to go on for days and days), I happened to freakin' love every minute of it. This is Ritchie doing his goddamn best Ritchie impression; it's like Snatch: Camelot. Or Snatch: Middle Earth. Snatch: Middle Ages. Lock Stock and Two Smoking Kings. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Swords? Guys, I could go on and on.

I would love to make sense out of this clusterfluff of a story for you, but I'm not entirely sure how all FIVE writers pieced this mess together. My (highly limited) knowledge of the King Arthur story doesn't account for Jude Law's villain, Evil Uncle Vortigern, though he is indeed a real, apparently evil dude. And I thought Arthur's sweet, kickass dad, Eric Bana's Uther, stepped out on his wife with somebody else's wife and then she bore Arthur illegitimately? And wasn't Arthur really raised by Merlin? Everything I kinda sorta know about King Arthur doesn't really happen in King Arthur. In Ritchie's interpretation, Arthur is raised by a group of benevolent, heart-of-gold prostitutes; there is a sword; they never call it Excalibur; it is in a stone; Arthur removes said sword from said stone; Merlin isn't there (instead he sends a very attractive Mage in his place); there are wars and battles; giants and other mythological creatures get real messed up; and there's a round table at the end. No matter your knowledge level of the man, the myth, the legend, you will most likely be left scratching your head at some of the major plot points. And really, does it matter? Hell to the nah. To the nah, nah, nah.

I'm gonna go out on a major limb here and reiterate: I liked King Arthur: Legend of the Sword. I did! MJ Crew, feel free to revoke my membership now. I'm in a minority here, as it's rancid Rotten Tomatoes rating will attest. You can call me names, you can boo this post and curse me IRL, but I actually enjoyed every cheeseball brotastic fight scene, the unintentionally hilarious cameos of (no lie) both David Beckham and Guy Ritchie, and every single scene, every single bit of dialogue that felt straight lifted from Snatch. Yes, it has its many flaws. Characters show up, disappear, and circle back at will, with very little explanation. The story flashes back and forth intentionally, yet mind-boggingly, in an attempt at unique storytelling. But that Jude Law tho! It's so worth it for the Jude Law. The action is flashy and confident. Hunnam does a solid job (and ok, yes, he is nice to look at {insert obligatory eye roll here}). But really, King Arthur is kind of cool. Nonsensical as fuck, but cool. Long as hell, but still...cool. And sometimes all we need is just something fun and silly and yes, cool for a change. While everyone else is crying their way through Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 for the first, second, or third time this weekend would it goddamn kill you to show Jude Law some goddamn respect and goddamn see King Arthur: Legend of the Sword instead? Bow down, bitches.