by Jaime Davis
The Fixer at Moviejawn

I first noticed Parker Posey when I was about 15 years old, watching Dazed and Confused when it came out. All of my friends were freaking out about the bevy of hot boys in it (especially that Sasha Jenson dude – girls were going crazy for him in the mid-90’s), but I only had eyes for one person in it: Darla, played by Posey. The minute I laid eyes on her, I internally sat up, blinked, and wiped the fog out of my eyes. There’s something so fresh and unusual about her acting presence; she’s quirky, yes, but there’s more to it than that. She demands you pay attention to her at all times. You never know WHAT she’s about to do. The moment I heard her yell, “All right you little freshmen bitches…AIR RAID!” in Dazed and Confused, I was a goner. I’ve been in love with her ever since.

I’ve followed her career through indie darling days: The Daytrippers and Party Girl and The House of Yes, all of the Christopher Guest movies and the Hal Hartley ones (even though, eeesh, some of those are really hard to get through). I’ve watched bad mainstream movies just because she was in them (The Sweetest Thing, Josie and the Pussycats, Scream 3). I’ve watched You’ve Got Mail more times than one ever should just for the two or three scenes she’s in, as a completely insane book editor (and also maybe for the Hanks? Maybe). And some of her movies I’ve just watched over and over and over because her performances in them are like classics to me (The Anniversary Party, Broken English).

So naturally, sometimes, I imagine what Parker might be like as a girlfriend. As we all do, right? That’s not a weird thing to think about. Sure, it’s kind of a little creepy? Just go with it and assume I’m not a crazy stalker (for the record, I’m so not!) But let’s really explore this: what would Parker Posey be like as a girlfriend? I’ve heard the rumors that she’s batshit; doesn’t really bother me though. Besides picking her up on random movie sets and meeting actors and directors she’s working with, what would it really be like to date her?

I bet Parker goes to really fun parties. Like, all the time. Every night, she has an engagement so we’re always going out. Which might get old after awhile. But at first I’ll find it really, really cool. Until about five months in when I just really, really want to order Dan Dan noodles and watch Netflix with her all night. Does Parker watch Netflix? Does she even have a tv? Does she like Szechuan food? Important questions that demand answers.
I’ve always been a fan of Parker’s offbeat, elegant style. So you know bitch has a nice closet. And as her girlfriend I can borrow whatever the hell I want! Marc Jacobs sweaters? Check. Rachel Comey shoes? Check. Amazing vintage finds for days? Check. Baby girl lay it on me.
I’ll bake sweets for her all the time, and she won’t be one of those actresses that refuses to eat real food. No, she’ll eat all the sweets I make and love them! Cookies, cakes, banana bread, chocolate chip muffins – she won’t turn any of it down, even if she is filming that new Woody Allen. Parker don’t care!
And while I’m baking for her, I imagine she’ll make dinner for me every once in awhile. I have this feeling that she doesn’t cook a lot, but has like one signature dish she goes to again and again, one that she’s really perfected. In my head it’s a pasta dish. Nothing with sauce or cheese, nah, no, something light…something with a Med vibe. I bet it’s delicious.
She has a pretty fun Instagram and Snapchat so I would get to help her take photos and videos and build her “brand” or whatever. If she was my girlfriend, I would have told her not to post that Insta-TransGender yourself pic that she posted this month. Because that shit was just offensive. And unnecessary. And I could write scripts with amazing female parts that she could play to perfection. Seriously it’s a match made in movie-lover heaven!

And this is officially the strangest thing I’ve ever written. Parker, I hope you never, ever read this (but let’s have a pasta date, for sure).