by Hunter Bush

Happy (nearly) New Year, readers! As we bid a fine farewell to 2019, if you're someone who enjoys a little bit of the bubbly maybe raise your glass to EOINA. Exact date aside, I've been writing this column for Moviejawn for three years! Huzzah and cheers!

I don’t mean to pat myself on the back, but I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Or wait. No. You can actually go read any of the old EIONA columns here on Moviejawn. I don't know what I was thinking. (RIP Rutger Hauer).

This year I got to review my first Nic Cage movie (a lifetime high point for sure) and at one point my phone autocorrected part of some rant or another to include the phrase "skunk of a bitch", so I'm just gonna make that mine now. I'm owning it. One disappointing thing about the past year is that I didn't get to watch nearly as many new movies as the year before. In 2018 I logged 68 while thus far in 2019 I'm just over 50. So I'll be spending some of the year's final days trying to close that gap. How about you? Any highlights you're especially proud of, let's hear 'em!

Now, looking ahead: This latest Everything Old Is New Again installment will be covering all the Remakes, Adaptations & Long Gap or Legacy Sequels or Requels (there are a lot of terms flying around out there y'all; watch your heads) for January & February of 2020. In this column's crop of flicks, there are a handful of movies that still have not dropped trailers despite their looming release dates, which is always a bummer (I was waiting for Polaroid to drop for about 3 years before it sneaked onto VOD late last year; still haven't watched it).

On the plus side, I noticed a higher-than-average instance of what I think of as Girls To the Front films. Movies with female leads would be considered rare in, I would imagine, almost any subdivision you choose as your data pool, but in the nook I've carved out here they're even more scarce. Yet within these two months, I spotted three instances of ladies leading what would traditionally be male-lead films. I shouldn't have to say this, but I'll say it anyway: that's a good thing! Everyone should get the chance to see themselves represented onscreen because movies are for everyone! That's what's so great about them. With that in mind, let's see what's to be seen.

JANUARY 2020

3rd:

THE GRUDGE - Hey remember The Grudge? Well it's back! But not in pog form, in the exact same form as it took the previous two times it existed: a creepy movie! (2002 Japanese language Ju-On: The Grudge & 2004 American The Grudge both by Takashi Shimizu). This one by Nicholas Pesce the writer director of last year's Piercing. On the plus side, there's a detective named Muldoon (Andrea Riseborough!) which the boys on We Hate Movies have conditioned me to chuckle at ("Shoot herrr!"). From what I can tell, this is kinda the same story as the OG Grudge(s); there's a house with a tragic backstory and a detective who makes the mistake of visiting it, as everyone that does gets, for lack of a better word, infected by this curse. A twist here is that the detective (Riseborough) is a single mother. So her son is now in danger - the trailer has some cool Grudge-y effects of the spirit lurking around the kid's bed! The previous Grudges have each done interesting things with the "ghost" concept, giving their vengeful spirits a unique feel, and that's something that will hopefully continue here beyond just copying the more inventive scares from previous installments (like the hand emerging from someone's hair in the shower). History aside, this looks like a fun spooky time with a great pedigree (once again produced by Sam Raimi & co., with a cast that includes John Cho, Lin Shaye & Jacki Weaver!) and I'm excited for it!

12th:

THE OUTSIDER - Stephen King adaptations are coming out about as often as the man writes a new book, which is to say, with an astounding regularity I absolutely never would have expected. This HBO miniseries stars Jason Bateman as a man accused of killing a child despite there being concrete evidence that he was 70 miles away at the time of the murder. Most of this trailer plays out like a standard crime story that could've been ripped from the headlines of any regular degular newspaper before leaning more into Weekly World News territory at the end. The old saying that things can't be in two places at once is mentioned, but, perhaps tellingly, it's phrased as "in two universes at once". There's also some stigmata-like phenomena with the phrase "Stop Her" appearing on a man's hands. The "her" in that sentence would seem to be Holly Gibney (Cynthia Erivo), a private investigator who drops some dialogue alluding to her possible experience with things beyond what most might consider normal. The cast list for this is a mess, but I did catch the names Paddy Considine, Mare Winningham, Bill Camp & Ben Mendelsohn in there, which is a promising group. This seems pretty interesting and a good jumping on point for folks who maybe aren't big on King, as it's based in a conventional crime and gets supernatural from there.

17th:

DOLITTLE - This Robert Downey Jr. starring adaptation of the classic 1989 Pixies album stars the former Iron Man as Crackity Jones, a man tasked with retrieving his monkey (who has gone to heaven) when- wait, I'm being told that my information is faulty. Apparently this is an adaptation of the children's book series written by Hugh Lofting beginning in 1920, which has been adapted numerous times into many different formats, most notably a 1967 musical starring Rex Harrison and a series of five (FIVE!) more recent adaptations starting with 1998's Eddie Murphy vehicle. If I can speak seriously for a moment, the "What a Wonderful World" cover that plays throughout this trailer is atrocious and should be stricken from human memory (it seems to be credited to both "Ruben and the Dark" & "AG" but I honestly don't care enough to investigate who or what these entities are). Beyond that, this seems like a palette swap of the Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes flicks with RDJ doing another Brit-ish accent (annoying this time) and pulling goofy "What, Me Worry?" faces at the camera. I also get a distinct wanna-be-Pirates-of-the-Caribbean vibe from the stunts & direction on display. Much as I love RDJ (and I honestly do) and animals (ditto), I'll stick with the Rex Harrison version.

BAD BOYS FOR LIFE - Continuing the tradition of causing me to wonder who really thinks 1995's Bad Boys needed a sequel, Bad Boys For Life is back to following the exploits of perpetually smooth detective Mike (Will Smith) and bumbling but well-meaning Marcus (Martin Lawrence). This is another in the line of "the main characters are old now, so let's address it" flicks that have come out in the near-ish past with Mike refusing to slow down while all Marcus wants to do is retire. As a result, Mike gets reassigned to a task force full of youths who think he's a grandpa and Marcus gets dragged along because... "Bad Boys For Life"? So, some of the dialogue here is ok (Marcus saying it's time to stop being Bad Boys and be Good Men, to which Mike responds "Who wants to sing *that* song?") and I'll never be unhappy with Joe Pantoliano showing up in anything, but there's honestly not much here. Similar to that last Die Hard flick, we seem to have big dumb helicopter set piece with CGI that looks like a cut scene from a first gen Playstation game, but none of that is my biggest problem with this, which is: Bad Boys For Life really messed up. This is obviously meant to be the 4th installment in the Bad Boys franchise: Bad Boys 4 Life! It's a perfect title! The only explanation I can see is that perhaps the franchise, which has traditionally focused on Miami lawmen, will dip its toe into time travel and release the 3rd installment last. Because this *has* to be the 4th, yeah?

31st:

GRETEL & HANSEL - The latest adaptation of the Grimm Bros. fairy tale, Gretel & Hansel is notable for two things right off the bat: the name swapping in the title, perhaps meaning Gretel will take a more central role, and that it's directed by Oz Perkins! Perkins' previous directorial efforts - 2015's The Blackcoat's Daughter and 2016's I am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House - are meditative efforts that slow burn their way to intense finales. On top of that, Gretel & Hansel just looks different. The frame seems deeper than most and is crammed with detail in a way that still manages not to seem cluttered. The scarily enticing visuals, combined with interesting details (like the witch having black fingers) and a high practical effects ratio make this flick Extremely My Shit. I actually saw this trailer play in the wild before the abysmal IT: Chapter 2 and it received uniformly positive reactions from the crowd. This one is high on my list.

FEBRUARY 2020

7th:

BIRDS OF PREY - Based on some iteration or another of the (usually) all-female DC comic book superhero team that has existed since 1996, the trailers for this make it look like Harley Quinn: The Movie (seriously, I don't think a single other character was named) despite Harley not being a part of the team that I'm aware of (I could be wrong). Traditionally the Birds of Prey have involved Batgirl/Oracle, Black Canary & Huntress in spotlight roles with the rest of the members fluctuating. Despite the focus on Harley (Margot Robbie) both Huntress & Black Canary are notable in the trailer (played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead & Jurnee Smollett-Bell respectively) as well as Ewan McGregor playing the (thus far mask-less) villain Black Mask. It seems like Black Mask (whose backstory involves growing up rich and becoming a crime lord) has control of all the Birds-to-be until Harley decides to emancipate them all (the subtitle for this flick is officially And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn, btw). I wish I could remember more details of the trailer but I got distracted by how Harley has all this personally-branded clothing and wondering how that fit into the narrative if at all.

LOCKE & KEY - Based on the award-winning graphic novel series written by Joe Hill (with art by Gabriel Rodriguez) about family, memory, murder, demons and keys, this project has been kicking around Hollywood for many years, most recently *almost* materializing at Hulu before apparently now finding a home at Netflix. There is not a trailer for this either, but that's a problem I've had with Netflix before. So I'm not too surprised, just disappointed.

14th:

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG - Based on the popular and, frankly, at one time incredible, video game franchise this is... not going to work. I have nothing but problems with this. Putting aside the fact that fandom whined so powerfully about Sonic's look that the filmmakers completely redesigned the CGI main character, this still looks terrible. I honestly don't understand what is ever happening. Apparently Sonic (voiced by Ben Schwartz) is technically an alien from another world (which actually looks like the Emerald Hill Zone of my youth) who came to our world because people were "trying to take his powers"? But, even though the world of the video game exists, apparently Dr. Robotnik (Jim Carrey) is just a spastic inventor from our world? And for whatever reason, Sonic needs James Marsden to chauffeur him around? What? Why is this even live-action? Who could possibly care? There's also a soulless Blitzkrieg Bop cover that stinks like a literal skunkofabitch™.

THE KING'S MAN - This prequel to the Kingsman series of films (themselves spun off from a comic book) looks exactly like the other two Kingsman entries, but a prequel this time! Ever wonder how the "independent espionage organization" formed? Of course you haven't! Doesn't matter! Director & screenwriter Matthew Vaughn is gonna show you, and he's dragging Ralph Fiennes, Charles Dance, Gemma Arterton, Stanley Tucci, Rhys Ifans, Djimon Hounsou & Daniel Brühl with him! If you're still a fan of the franchise (personally the second one felt a little too masturbatory for me) then you'll likely enjoy this, as it looks to be the same exact thing, but now with 100% more Rasputin! (honestly, that *is* a selling point for me).

FANTASY ISLAND - Alright, now we're cooking. Based on TV series that ran from 1978-1984 (itself based on two TV movies in 1977 & '78), Blumhouse's updated take might seem like a bit of a curveball if all you know about the original Fantasy Island is Ricardo Montalbán in a white suit or Hervé Villechaize shouting "Ze plane! Ze plane!". The premise of a resort island in a secret location where you can pursue your ultimate fantasy was frequently only a hair's breadth away from going full Monkey's Paw, be-careful-what-you-wish-for at any moment with Mr. Roarke (Montalbán in the original, Michael Peña here) warning visitors that things could go wrong at any moment. This looks pretty fun, using the different guests' fantasies to lean into different genres of horror a bit - I saw some light body horror, psychological if-you-could, would-you horror and some straight up classic slasher goodness as well - and I'm here for it! It's hard to tell how interconnected the guests' stories will be. So, as a potential franchise, Fantasy Island could go in any number of directions up to and including full-on anthology. Hopefully that freedom will keep it from getting stale, so we can get years and years of Michael Peña saying "FAWN-tasy".

21st:

BRAHMS: THE BOY 2 - This was pushed back from a November release but, still no trailer.... There *are* like 3 production stills floating around and it seems like a press packet has circulated with a threadbare plot outline. Apparently a new family moves into the same manner house as the original film and when son Jude (Christopher Convery) befriends the twice-titular haunted doll, mom Liza (Katie Holmes) will probably end up the only one standing between Brahms & her son’s safety. Is this a “requel”? Is this just going to retell the original film with a slight remix feel to it? *coughcough* worked for Force Awakens *cough* Still, I’m interested to see if the end of this film works on a second watch (or second go-round in this case).

CALL OF THE WILD - Based on the Jack London novel you probably remember from junior high, the adaptation stars Harrison Ford and a CGI dog that is so unbelievably silly-looking and cartoonish that, much like Sonic the Hedgehog, I can't help but wonder Why? Why is this live action? Conversely, why sully this live action film based on a respected novel with such a goofy caricature? Harrison Ford has traded Chewbacca (based on George Lucas' dog; an Alaskan Malamute named Indiana, btw) for some sub-Beethoven japery here. True, Ford long ago had his fill of palling around with a ragtag group of space puppets and he's entitled to that choice (I guess. Different strokes for different folks I suppose, but I would actually weep with joy if my job was to hang around onscreen acting against puppets and aliens. Just sayin'.) but I doubt he had this in mind. I'm actually (educated guess) pretty certain he signed on for what he figured would be a prestige picture based on a great American novel of some acclaim; a project that he, at nearing 80 years old, could hang his hat proudly on. And what I wouldn't give to have seen his face when they floated the idea of "computer illustrated dog costar" to him. He probably grinned roguishly and muttered "Here we go again" like Indiana Jones.

28th:

WENDY - Based on characters and settings from J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan stories, this Wendy-centric take from director/co-writer Benh Zeitlin (Beasts of the Southern Wild) gives me similar vibes to 2009's Where the Wild Things Are from Spike Jonze - equally myth-making & melancholy with an original interpretation on a familiar story. The trailer for Wendy has a fair amount of island/beach footage but, far from the lush or even fantastical imagery in Hook or more recent reimaginings, this more resembles Cast Away or the first season of LOST - just a beach, on an island. Simple. I like it. There's plenty of (I believe) original imagery as well including what looks like a top-of-the-train chase à la the opening to Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade. There's also kind of a lot of trailer time devoted to what I think is a whale or perhaps just some other large fish, possibly fantastical. The underwater stuff is what looks most "magical" here, which I found to be incredibly intriguing. Maybe this timeless island, presumably the future home of the Lost Boys, is somehow only accessible thru an underwater ingress? The plot seems to involve ne'er do wells threatening the Lost Boys, so maybe these (grown-up) bad apples represent adulthood? This looks beautiful and I'm extremely looking forward to it.

THE INVISIBLE MAN - Holy shit. I am over the moon about this trailer! I loved writer/director Leigh Whannell's Upgrade and the fact that we're getting that kind of genre-savvy creativity behind this adaptation of H.G. Wells' character (and Universal Studios also-ran) is thrilling! When inventor Adrian (Oliver Jackson-Cohen) appears to commit suicide, he leaves a small fortune to his ex Cecilia (Elisabeth Moss) provided she be found mentally fit. Then, using whatever device or formula he's created, proceeds to try to drive her mad as a threatening presence no one can see! I was actually saving watching this trailer until I started writing and I'm so glad I did. While there have definitely been "expressly evil Invisible Man" stories throughout popular culture, they usually focus on the "what would you do if no one could see?" idea, with very little thought paid to those victimized by that behavior (I'm looking at you, Hollow Man). By making our protagonist the victim of these mental and physical assaults, Whannell is opening up the potential to have a very interesting dialogue about gaslighting. As a concept, it's so simple and clean that when it began to unfold for me in the trailer, I was genuinely upset that it had never occurred to me before! I don't know how much of Jackson-Cohen's acting we'll get, but the dude has chops (he played adult Luke Crain in The Haunting of Hill House) so I hope we get at least some. My wild prediction for this movie is that it isn't actually Adrian as the titular Man, but some other party (possibly a business partner?). I have no basis for this; just guessing.

- - -

That about wraps things up for this column and this year as well. As always, I thank you for reading EOINA sincerely and from the bottom of my heart. Please drop a comment below about anything found herein - a flick you want to see, one you have seen, one you wish they'd stop remaking, whatever - and I will do my best to check in on the comments section from time to time. Maybe we can chat about movies. Movies, y'all! Movies are both the best and the blurst, but I can't help but love 'em.

I hope your 2019 was better than the year before, and I hope 2020 is better for us all. If you're so inclined on January 1st, please download the new episode of Hate Watch Great Watch, the podcast I co-host with Allison Yakulis. Our first episode of the new year is on 2011's You're Next, which (though this wasn't planned) I kind of hope is your (and my!) energy heading into the new year: Look out 2020, cuz I'm comin' for ya!

Thanks, as always, for supporting Moviejawn which features some of the best writing from some of the best people I've ever had the privilege to share bandwidth with. Be safe this holiday season and I'll see you for March & April. Long Live the Movies!