by Rosalie Kicks
Old Sport at Moviejawn

I think I have finally found a way to survive the Oscars...by watching it in ROBE with copious amounts of whiskey.

With my completed ballot sheet, a taco buffet within reach, and whiskey cocktail in hand- I was ready to enjoy the Oscars in comfort. The question shouldn't be who wore it best... the real inquiry is were you able to stay awake? Not falling asleep during the Oscars is truly a feat of strength. The person that can stay awake thru the entire event definitely deserves a shiny lapel pin. Viewing OSCARS in ROBE was the perfect solution to the madness. I was not only cozy, but was prepared to catch some winks at any moment. During any of the slow/meaningless dribble I was able to catch a quick snooze (example: Spectre song or when that homeless looking dude (Dave Grohl) was performing).

So, let's talk about the red carpet- it was longgggggg. The announcers were buffoons. It is pretty safe to say that one of the requirements for the job is that you don't watch movies. From not knowing the Oscar nominated writer of Brooklyn (Nick Hornby)- to trying to compare the Girl with The Dragon Tattoo to Carol as if they were a similar production... it was a complete shit show. You could just sense the feeling of dread each time one of the interviewers walked up to an interviewee. They stood there wishing for teleportation to magically be invented or maybe finding a drink in their pocket. ABC would have been better off having Jacob Tremblay host the event. He seemed more prepared to interview the stars of Hollywood and was definitely more entertaining.

It is amazing that a show celebrating people that make creative things for a living can be so terribly boring and mind-numbing. Is the show really produced by little interns?! If that's the case it would make complete sense as to why the production seems to be so mediocre. This would also explain why there were camera and sound issues at the most inopportune times. Maybe those little interns thought it was funny to have a camera malfunction right when you the Oscar for BEST Cinematography was being announced or how about when the sound cut out just as you were giving the Oscar for Best Sound Mixing. Oh, you little interns- you're such pranksters. However, as one of my favorite podcast hosts, Karina Longworth has said, "the Oscars are only as cool as the oldest white guy in the room." Makes perfect sense to me.

No matter what you think about the Oscars, I think the message is clear that unless people continue to talk about the issues that have been facing Hollywood, diversity issues will never be resolved. Here's hoping next year we see an improvement and less Speilberg. Because seriously, did anyone like Bridge of Spies? I think there were many other deserving movies that could have taken those nomination spots.   Movies and change can't be done alone- you need to work together to enact change. However, after hearing some of the speeches from the various production winners- proclaiming they do all the "important" work on the film, it kinda makes me wonder if change will ever happen... it is called COLLABORATION, you jerks. High time Hollywood stop trying to teach me a lesson, I think it is time for them to learn a lesson of their own: be nice. Can't we all just get along? Come on Hollywood, have an open mind.

After 6 hours, here are the High Points that Kicks can remember before too many Whiskey cocktails in ROBE:

-Chris Rock: acknowledging the elephant in the room right from the start. He couldn't have said it better- everybody just wants the same opportunities and chances. Leo gets a good part every year, people of color want this same opportunity. Also. Hollywood has been racist for a long time folks, this is NOT new. Let's do something about it.

-Chris Rock's interviews with the theater goers of Compton: Seriously, where are you getting these movies from? Bridge of Spies: never heard of it? Maybe this will shed some light on the fact that you need to make movies that reach a diverse audience and not just suburban liberal white people. It is sad to me that Hollywood would be shocked that not only do white people see movies, but people of color do too and they want to see movies that they can relate to.

-Alicia Vikander, winning for Danish Girl- even though she should have been in nominated as the LEAD ROLE. She drove that film.

-Costume Designer Jenny Beavan's win. She is one BAMF (also a highlight: learning what BAMF means. Thanks Jaime!)

-Brie Larson, winning for Room and slapping fives with Jacob Tremblay. That girl is going places. Also, I was a fan of her dress despite what my colleague thinks.

-Pudgy cheeks Leo: Aw, poor dude was stress eating. He looked so nervous the whole night and I just wanted to hug him. I bet he ate so many of those Girl Scout cookies. Miraculously, his name is called and what do you know! Water weight is magically gone and he managed to dust off all those cookie crumbs just in time to grip his golden statue. He is now the King of the World! I couldn't help but shed a tear...especially when he brought up climate change. Oh, Leo we heart you, you truly are the way of the future.

-Vampire Cate Blanchett's dress. That woman does NOT age. She looked like a dream.

-Tom Hardy breathing in and out. I heart Mumbles Mcgee. He may not have won this year, but he will be back. I just hope he does not turn into the next Johnny Depp. Instead of being known for a pirate he will just simply be known as Hoagie Mouth.

-Saoirse Ronan's mermaid dress. I can't wait to see what this girl does in the FUTURE. If you have not watched Brooklyn yet, you are missing out.

-To see Jennifer Lawrence not win. Joy was a horrible a movie.

So what were your thoughts? Andddd most importantly, who's going to see Eddie and the Eagle? After watching this rodeo I'm ready for a feel good, tug at your hearts kind of feeling. Until next year Oscars.