Directed by Alex Kurtzman (2017)
by Rosalie Kicks, Old Sport

The Tommy, I mean The Mummy, is an exhaustive mistake.

It seems that Hollywood is unable to just make a movie. Everything must be part of something bigger. Something grander. It must be part of a ginormous UNIVERSE that has only one objective: money. Instead of concentrating on the movie that is right in front of them, the studio is too worried about the “universe." Their mind is off thinking about all those future movies they will slap together and hurl onto the screen. It’s all about the future, the now is meaningless.

They find anyone lying around to shoot these disasters, for this one it was a guy with one feature credit. It took six people to cobble this thing together and what do we end up with: a Jack Reacher/Indiana Jones action adventure mash up. When you choose to create a movie without a solid script, you end up with a hot mess. You end up with The Mummy.

It is rather insulting to think that the powers that be at the studio sent The Mummy into the wild as a finished product. Did they really think we would just eat it up and then spend the rest of our days rocking back n’ forth awaiting the next monster flick? Maybe no one on The Mummy's production crew got the memo: the fate of the “Dark Universe” was in their hands. This is not something you can simply put on Cruise control and expect an audience to just blindly follow you into darkness.

The movie opens in England in an underground tomb that is filled with bodies of old knights. A quote flashes across the screen to inform us that death is only the beginning. So, there is no way out of watching this then, huh? Christ…even in death this movie will exist.

Russell Crowe saunters on screen and suddenly it is story time. Cue the voiceover narration. We learn all about the history of Princess Ahmanet played by Sofia Boutella (remember her from Star Trek?) and that her dream to become Queen was crushed after her brother was born. Well, The Princess wasn’t having it. She strips down nude, makes a pact with demonic spirits, slits some throats and kills a newborn. Just as she is about to finish the ritual, she is captured and buried alive. She is cursed to eternal damnation, welllllll…until Cruise comes along.

We now jump to Iraq thousandsssssss of years later. But what the hell happened to those brits? Guys, doesn’t matter. We are introduced to Nick (Tom Cruise) and Chris (Jake Johnson) a couple of American soldiers that are really into looting and selling found treasure on the black market. They piss off the wrong people and start getting shot at. After a sloppy action sequence it’s quickly realized Tommy is the only one taking this flick seriously. This was one of the first of many instances in which an actor attempts to keep up with him. An airstrike is called, bombs are thrown to reveal an ancient tomb and Jenny (Annabelle Wallis).

From the moment Jenny is introduced it is realized that she serves absolutely no purpose what so ever. Every scene with Jenny is cringe worthy. She could have been removed and nothing would have been lost. Her story is cliché: of course she had an affair with Nick. Of course is she is dressed inappropriately for the desert. Of course Nick says her name just like Forrest Gump would. Andddd… who cares. The way in which women are portrayed in this movie is yet another example of how Hollywood is stuck in the past.

This rag tag group explores the tomb and ultimately Tommy is the one to blame for waking as he refers to it as “the 3000 year-old prune." The sarcophagus is transferred back to England so that Dr. Henry Jekyll (Russell Crowe) can dissect it. Apparently, Jekyll and Jenny work for a secret society that manages monsters and is in the business of evil stuff? Can’t tell you, because it was barely explained. What I do know is that the Creature of The Black Lagoon’s hand was possibly floating in some type of solution in Jekyll’s study. Which can only mean one thing: Creature will NOT be joining the “Dark Universe." The Creature probably took one look at this disaster and thought:

En route to Dr. Jekyll’s monster bunker, the plane crashes and welp, Chris kicks the bucket, the Mummy is loose, and Tommy starts fantasizing. That’s right. Tommy starts having dreams of him and The Mummy getting it on, revealing what this story is all about. It’s all about Tommy. This movie is simply a Tommy Cruise fantasy in which not only women who are alive love him but dead ones too! All ladies want him. Death is just the beginning and he will live on and on forever being loved, worshipped, and cherished. The world shall never know a time without Tommy. My heavens, the studio has lost its mind.

So, apparently The Mummy needs Tommy to complete the ritual. We are informed by Chris (yes! Tommy’s dead buddy) of the Mummy’s ultimate plan. Tommy is her “chosen one” and in order to complete the ritual she simply needs to kill him and together they will become living gods (Tommy’s actual goal in life). Zombie Chris continues to pop up through-out the movie in an attempt to add comedic relief but instead just creates more confusion as to what genre this movie is.

Inevitably The Mummy is captured by Dr. Jekyll’s cohorts. Dr. Jekyll reveals the plan: The Mummy MUST kill Tommy. Meh, it doesn’t matter he is cursed anyways. She will never stop until they are ONE. The fantasies will never stop until they are ONE. Jenny is not pleased. She wants to be the one Tommy dreams about. She wants him to treat her like garbage and be incredibly sad the rest of her life. However, before Jekyll can act on his plan The Mummy escapes. Tommy and Jenny are now on the run…Jenny struggles to keep up. In the end, our story concludes with one of the most disappointing scenes ever committed to film.

This movie is so incredibly tiresome and confusing. There is no reason to care about anyone, especially Tommy’s character - he is a jerk. They rob The Mummy of her moment. But guess what? It is not about The Mummy. It was never about her. It is about the “Universe." Scenes are not used to move the story along, instead they are building a world. We witness a green pickled Crowe battling Cruise just so we can get a glimpse of the future Mr. Hyde. There was no other reason for any of this to exist. My biggest hope is that this movie bombs, the "Dark Universe" is cancelled, and the remakes will remain buried six feet under where they belong.