by Ashley Jane Carruthers, Rosalie Kicks, Liz Locke and Jaime Davis

Blondes, bombs, nostalgic trips and fast cars are this year’s Oscar nominations in a nutshell. With such a bland vanilla list, it raises the question: Is the Academy truly just a bunch of dads?

Picture it! A gaggle of dads gathered around an open flame bbq, excitedly commiserating on the cinematic awesomeness from the previous year. Cracking open beers as they toast the latest mafia picture™ from Scorsese and reliving their glory days of the sixties riding around in solid steel death traps while eating greasy cheeseburgers.

Sure, some films they’ll “allow”. Take Little Women for example - you gotta have something on the program for the ladies. But nominate a female for director - well that is just crazy talk. It is safe to say, they got as wild as werewolves when they chose a flick that required reading (Parasite).

Of course, Brad Pitt is always a shoe-in, as he has replaced Redford; the same could be said for Leo being the new Nicholson. Dads like safety and security, so it is expected they will forever remain in their comfort zone. Nominate Adam Sandler? Now, come on - these dads have seen Happy Gilmore, and they know Sandler is not an actor.

To understand the inane Oscars picks, one has to get inside a Dad’s mind. For to think like a Dad is to understand the noms this year. Here are some of our interpretations.

Ashley Jane Carruthers:
My dad wasn’t too into movies. I recall going to the theatre with him only once, when I was 12 years old. He took me to see Titanic and made me close my eyes for the scene where Jack paints Rose. You know, because she was… *nude* (kinda funny now. Nice block, dad.)

I can really only recall him watching four other movies:

Six Days, Seven Nights

8 Seconds

The Horse Whisperer

The Mask of Zorro

Sheesh, okay. With this in mind, allow me to conjure up GHOST DAD to see his Oscar picks (not that Ghost Dad). *does magic thing to wake Ghost Dad up*

Ghost Dad (GD): …where’s the movie about horses? Give me horses!

Ashley Jane (AJ): Um, if you love horses, don’t go see 1917, okay?

GD: DiCaprio – I’m happy he’s nominated, although I certainly hope he doesn’t do anything as vulgar as creating immoral art in this movie (you know Jack and Rose weren’t married, Ashley). Okay let’s see… who else? Ooh, Zorro!! Does Antonio ride a horse in this movie? Where is REDFORD? There should be a category just for May-December romance stories – these are the love stories I want to see told. Love isn’t love unless it’s between an old man and a younger woman (see my life).

AJ:

GD: What’s wrong with your face? Stop that. Let’s see – actresses. Hmm. You know, you just can’t beat Anne Heche. Ah, who is this, Anne Heche?

AJ: No dad, Scarlett Johansson, in Marriage Story.

GD: I dunno, just saw the hair and figured it was Anne Heche. Ugh, she belonged with a manly man like Harrison Ford, why did she ever go for a woman?

AJ: Okay new subject. How about Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood? It’s set in the 60s. Your fave music period! Right? I bet you’ll love the music!

GD: Pfft, yeah. Tarantino? Who is this joker? I’d like to see if he knows real music as well as I do. I doubt it. Nary a Peter, Paul and Mary song to be found, I suspect. Speaking of Joker… my goodness, who is this guy? He looks like a rodeo clown. Speaking of rodeos, 8 Seconds – now that is a movie. Where are all the westerns? I want some excitement!

AJ: You gotta see Parasite. That movie - I don’t wanna say too much, but it’s exciting.

GD: *Looks at poster* Wait. Does this have subtitles? I have to read? No thank you.

OFFICIAL GHOST DAD OSCAR PICKS:

Anne Heche (either Scarlett Johansson performance, who cares?)

Leo

Eh…The Scorsese one

Randy Newman (this one I definitely agree with)

Rosalie Kicks:
Similar to Ashley Jane’s GHOST DAD, my father is not a movie connoisseur. He leans toward the following genres exclusively:

-Mafia Madness
-Redfordz
-”History” (take note of the “quotes”)
-Sportz

If a flick doesn’t fall into one of these categories or have some relation with Games of Thrones, he isn’t watching it. Surprisingly, his lack of movie interest does not stop him from inquiring: “Whatcha watchin’ Rosie?” As if he is reallllly going to take any of my recommendations into consideration. This back n’ forth is to be expected, as we have had a long history of attempting to relate to one another. Each time he asks what flicks I am watching, I counter back with “How them Yanks doin’?”.

Being that my father’s cinematic awards knowledge is limited to: The Godfather, The Sting, Titanic and Rocky, I had to contemplate what would interest him about Hollywood’s Biggest night. Conclusion: Betting.

The Art of Betting

I can guarandamntee that if my papa looked at the Oscars nominations list in bracket form (ie March Madness) he would be hooked. He’s always in search of the odds and has often been known to root for the underdog. The one that could be the real shocker! When he is gonna bet - he does his homework. He knows all the ins and the outs, the ups and the downs.

One of the best afternoons we ever had was watching pony races. If my father was an actual movie buff he’d be on to the Academy. He would know that the Kathy Bates nomination was down to the wire, sweaty palms kind of vote that only was selected because dads can’t fathom that Clint Eastwood would make a bad picture (Ta dah! He has made SEVERAL bad pictures). Nominating anything from Richard Jewell is proof the Academy aka these dads don’t watch actual movies.

Liz Locke:
For a long time I’ve suspected I’m really a Baby Boomer trapped in the body of a Millennial. The point was proven this year when my dad and I both applauded the Academy’s list of Oscar nominees. Finally- a whole slew of movies for people who listen to the oldies station and have probably had cataract surgery.

Lately, I find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to hide my love of Quentin Tarantino films like a dirty secret on social media. Pretending that the best part of Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood is Brad Pitt’s body (side note: it IS impressive), or tweeting my praise for the soundtrack because that’s the only safe, uncontroversial aspect of filmmaking these days. Nobody’s gonna troll you over a hot take on José Feliciano. But in my dad’s living room, during our annual Christmas Tarantino watch party, we’re able to rave freely about how much we both love the long scenes of driving through LA in a classic car, windows down, AM radio blasting. How Rick Dalton was really the Eli Wallach of these fake Tarantino westerns, and wouldn’t it be great if there were a sequel in forty years where Leo played Rick playing a sweet old man in a holiday rom-com? And finally, how much this movie makes us want to drink a pitcher of margaritas in our bathrobes.

Although Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood is the clear standout for #dadslikeus, Ford v Ferrari is also a highlight among the nominees. Dad’s got a vintage Opel GT sitting in his garage So you can imagine how watching this movie makes us want to tear through the streets of his Florida retirement community in that cherry red dragon. As for a few of the “best pictures”, 1917 was INTENSE for this former Vietnam tunnel rat, Joker was a surprising flashback to the sleazy ‘70s, and the only thing the The Irishman had going for it was Pesci.

Ultimately, this was a banner year for us at the multiplex, and awards shows. The only snub Dad had on his list was Jennifer Lopez for Hustlers, and I would have to agree. Her opening dance in the movie probably did more for him than me, but I’ll never forget the moment we both turned to each other in the theater and mouthed “FIFTY!” Some things, like J Lo, Brad Pitt, and sexy cars of the 1960s, just get better with age.

Jaime Davis:
My Trump-supporting dad and I may not agree on much politically, but we typically get along when it comes to movies. Growing up, he knew pretty much every film that was on tv or about to come on tv; he knew all about what I had just seen in the theater or was planning on renting. Seriously, he’s like a human IMDb - get him and my grandma together and they can rattle off every random actor in every random classic Hollywood film, or now, every Hallmark or Lifetime Channel romance movie ever produced, especially if it stars Lacey Chabert (my dad’s fave) or Candice Cameron-Bure (my grandma’s fave).

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m losing my dad to his love of sentimental romances. Historically, my dad’s favorite movie is Wong Kar-wai’s Chungking Express (that’s my dad!) but if you were to ask him now, he’d probably rattle off an incredibly long list of snowflake Hallmark romances and 2019’s Last Christmas (so not my dad!). Yes, he watched Last Christmas at least twice in the theater last fall and triumphantly declared it his new favorite Christmas movie. (I don’t know what this says about me, but I also saw it twice in the theater, but that’s not really relevant, is it?) We also had a very long (well, maybe it was only a few minutes but it felt way too long!) conversation about how amazing Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood is and like, okay I get it but I just personally don’t see what all the fuss is about, dad. Like Margot Robbie’s character is completely useless, dad. And why make another revisionist history ending when QT has already done that with Inglourious Basterds, dad? If OUATIH had just been two hours of Leo and Brad driving around and being pals and sitting on sets trying to stay relevant, and if maybeee the two of them had been secret lovers? Well, that’s the movie I’d be a helluva lot more into, dad.

I figured my father’s taste for sentimental holiday-themed jams and Quentin Tarantino could only mean one thing: he’s a big fan of #OscarsSoDad, extolling the many virtues of The Irishman while pre-ordering his Blu-ray of Ford v Ferrari before renting Richard Jewell on the ol’ On Demand. However, when I interviewed both him and my brother Max for this post (movies are a Davis family affair), my dad promptly blew up my whole hypothesis.

When I asked him what he thought of this year’s nominations, I got a very cryptic: “Parasite.” Naturally I had to clarify, to which my dad replied, “Parasite is the best movie of the year, and the Academy are cowards if it doesn’t sweep.” Right onnnnn, dad! I was shocked to learn he hadn’t seen Ford v Ferrari or Richard Jewell. But when I asked about The Irishman, things took a darker, sinister turn.

“De Niro is a punk.”

What was that?

“On many levels. He’s a short wuss who acted tough all his life and now is a walking Silver Alert.”

Oh, okay.

I’m not 100% sure, but I think since my dad is Italian-American he can say these things freely without worry of any De Niro retribution? He went on to elaborate his point, by texting me this picture:

And then:

“De Niro is like a band that only knows three chords.”

Well...that is…an opinion!

“Marty Scorsese is a national treasure. Ditto on Pacino.”

Uh huh.

His final thoughts on the matter:

“Bobby D. is a joke. You’re welcome.”

My brother would like to make it clear that he has no beef with Robert De Niro.

Happy Oscars to all and to all a good night!