by Rosalie Kicks, Old Sport and Jaime Davis, Fixer

Welcome to round two of Hot Takes, in which MJ’s Rosalie and Jaime shout into the void about the latest movie thang that’s got them all in a tizzy. Today’s topic: Hollywood’s development frenzy amidst COVID-19 - are we so totally loving it or so totally over it?

Rosalie Kicks, Old Sport

Universal studios seems to have a vendetta against me.

In the mere seven months that I was in Los Angeles back in 2007, did I manage to ruffle someone’s feathers that there is now a plot against me? This is the only way I can make sense of their inane production decisions. First there was the Dark Universe™ debacle. Then just when I thought they could not get any dumber, they announced The Invisible Man remake. Surprisingly, they managed to pull off a stand-up, inventive remake (thanks Blumhouse) that should be revered as the way one tackles the remake conundrum. I would not go as far to say they totally redeemed themselves with The Invisible Man, but then there was the announcement that Karyn Kusama would be directing the remake of Dracula. This lady knows Vampires, listen to her chat on Switchblade Sisters with April Wolfe if one needs convincing. Karyn is a great choice for this project and I look forward to what she will come up with. So with that, Universal managed to find themselves outta of the doghouse. We aren’t quite on speaking terms yet, but we were close, until… I decided to log on to twitter dot com. To be fair, it typically takes me all of five seconds to be on twitter dot com to arrive at the conclusion that I made a huge mistake by checking in. I digress. With the world in complete flames, Universal could have done all of us a favor like free streaming movies of their back catalog or nothing, nothing would have been a fine option. Instead they decide to pour gasoline on the omnipresent blaze and gift us a present we all apparently deserve, a remake of Night of the Hunter. To loop back to the beginning, I am seriously starting to believe there is some sinister spite work at play here, or the Hollywood suits have literally lost their marbles. For those not familiar with the 1955, Charles Laughton, Night of The Hunter I have two words for you: Robert f’n Mitchum… was three, but seriously ROBERT MITCHUM. Have you seen him? So wait. Question for the Hollywood elite. Is the plan to exhume the corpse of Robert Mitchum to assist in this fanciful planned rehash? The idea of corpse diving (the method of gravedigging) is just as ridiculous as remaking a practically perfect in everyway film such as Laughton’s. My only hope is that the news is in fact, just a smoke screen. Something to turn our eyes away from the true horrors of the world. They have already gone down this road once before, attempting a regurgitation with the 1991 (the early nineties may not have been the greatest time) TV rendition.

An unknown writer with one credit to his name, has been attached to the latest rodeo. However, it does not appear that a grand search for a director or a cast have yet to commence. There is still time for Universal to back out of this obvious blunder. If not, I do have a plan if they decide to move forward and it will only require three easy steps:

Take all the cash budgeted for the production
Throw said cash into a barrell
Strike a match

Ta dah!

Jaime Davis, The Fixer

With COVID-19 shutting down nearly all productions (besides HBO Europe’s Spanish-language At Home project, perhaps), what are bored execs to do? Develop future movies, of course! I know how Rosalie feels about all this unfortunate Night of the Hunter remake business, so I’m gonna play the other side for a bit. While it would be soooo easy for me to write 11+ paragraphs of pure drivel pleading HBO not to make a Parasite tv show, I won’t bore you (all that much). Instead let’s talk about two projects I AM SO TOTALLY EXCITED ABOUT! {cue glitter bomb explosions, smiling puppies, and cheerful spirit fingers}

First up we have yet anotherrrrr YA book adaptation…but honestly you guys, I live for these, especially the “dystopian teen in peril” genre! And that’s what we have here with The Selection, which is being adapted by Netflix. The Selection, by Kiera Cass, tells the story of a young girl in a dystopian future who’s selected, along with 35 others, to reside in a palace and compete for a young prince’s heart. Uh huh, uh huh. And it’s a FIVE-PART book series! I love hearing the words “dystopian teen romance” attached to a description of anything…and if it’s a YA book in multiple parts? S-W-O-O-N. It’s like The Bachelor meets Divergent! Like, I remember when the Divergent books came out and I thought the world began and ended with that shit (Tris + Four 4-ever!) Anyway, I’m gonna read The Selection as soon as I’m done re-reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell, which is kinda-sorta YA and is kinda-sorta teen romance-y. (BTW, The Selection is only $2.99 right now on iBooks for anyone currently practicing fiscal responsibility). I haven’t even gotten to THE. BEST. PART. The adaptation is being directed by the amazingly talented Haifaa Al-Mansour, I’ve been very intrigued by her voice and vision, especially post-Wadjda - her Mary Shelley is gorgeous and dark and heartbreaking. Her overall unique take on a diverse array of projects is refreshing and exciting, too. I seriously cannot wait to get sucked into this story and totally blab about it to my fiancée, who will no doubt mistake me for a 13 year-old exciteable teen.

In other adaptation news, Ridley Scott is prepping a true crime drama about a murder within the famed Gucci fashion family. The pic is based on Sara Gay Forden’s The House of Gucci: A Sensational Story of Murder, Madness, Glamour, and Greed, a book I once read about two chapters of before becoming too busy to finish and marking it as “read” on my Goodreads. Yes, yes Ridley Scott is a filmmaking darlinggg and who doesn’t love a salacious true crime story about people with more money and better clothes than you BUT I ASSURE YOU, YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE GREATEST BIT:

Stefani “Lady Gaga” Germanotta is in talks to star in this.

Omg.

I’m so excited I could faint.