by Rosalie Kicks, Old Sport and Jaime Davis, The Fixer

Welcome to the latest edition of Hot Takes, in which MJ’s Rosalie and Jaime shout into the void about the latest movie thing that’s got them all in a tizzy. Today’s topic: hey, you fucking cockaroach, another Scarface remake is in the works. You wanna fuck with this movie or no, pendejo?

Rosalie Kicks, Old Sport

“Has everyone gone mad? Has the world gone crazy? Am I the only one that gives a shit about the rules?!”

Oh, happy day! Scarface is back on the table. Time truly flies on this big blue marble of ours. Remember when they threatened to re-make this picture before back in… 2011, then again in 2018. Unfortunately, I don’t think they are fooling this time. I think this production is actually going to happen – ya know what they say, third time’s the charm.

Frankly, this news could not come at a more poignant moment in our lives – take a look around <waves arms frantically>, we are living in actual dumpster fire. Essentially, the world as we knew it is over and we have entered HELL. A garbage era being run and controlled by garbage “people”. It is only fitting that we receive garbage flicks.

Who best to direct this Scarface regurgitation than the King of Remakes himself, Luca Guadagnino. To be clear: Do I think this guy is a bad filmmaker? No. He is a perfectly fine filmmaker. I quite enjoyed Call Me By Your Name. Do I think this guy is an exciting filmmaker? Nah. With the announcement of a Call Me By Your Name sequel, my lack of enthusiasm regarding his Suspiria thing and now these Scarface shenanigans– welllll, he is heading down a road that I will no longer travel.

Frankly, it does not matter who is pointing from the chair and helming this re-boot re-make thing – the only way I am going to give a damn is if it involves puppets. Picture it! The entire motion picture produced with marionettes of all varieties and sizes – whether it be miniature, finger style or life-size. PUPPETS. Not only would this be a creative spin on what is otherwise a stale unimaginative story, but it would be so damn bonkers. I watched this really great film recently, entitled, Lili and it featured a cast of puppets, one of which seemed to be my true spirit animal:

Nothing shocks me anymore, but PUPPETS would. Even learning that the Coens are penning the Scarface script only managed to get a shrug of the shoulders. The Coens are absolute geniuses. They know how to play this flim-flam Hollywood system. The Coens don’t have time to direct such nonsense. They do on the other hand have a recent track record of writing pointless dribble that isn’t worth screen time, like this and that (ya, know spy stuff) and getting paid for it. They seem to take Hollywood up on the favors though... they managed to get Hail Caesar! – which conveniently came out after Bridge of Spies. I find it hard to believe they have been working on a Scarface script for three years. Nah. They wrote this thing in their sleep, there is no way daylight was wasted on this thing.

Sigh. If Scarface has puppets, I will watch it. Otherwise, you can find me standing by the fax machine awaiting the news of the reboot of Dark Universe™ – we will all know it is coming.

Jaime Davis, The Fixer

My first response to reading about Guadagnino’s attachment to direct a Scarface remake was whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh? Because why? And…why? We need a third Scarface as much as we need a new Scooby Doo film. Guadagnino’s upcoming slate is pumped full of literary adaptations and remakes: adapting the sequel to Call Me By Your Name - Find Me, another adaptation of Lord of the Flies, and now this. I worry he’s getting a bit typecast à la Lasse Hallstrom, le king of 90’s / early aughts book to movie adaptations (The Cider House Rules, Chocolat, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, The Shipping News, Safe Haven). And don’t get me started on the Coen Brothers working on the Scarface script for the past THREE YEARSSSSSS. Three years?? They could have made three whole seasons of Hobie Doyle Mysteries in that timeframe! What’s Hobie Doyle Mysteries, you ask? Hobie Doyle is only my favorite character from Hail, Caesar!, featuring one of the finest young actors of our time, Alden Ehrenreich, who curiously enough has not become a big, fat star yet. If Hollywood was left up to me, the Coens would have spun out Hobie Doyle into a Columbo-style mystery miniseries in which Hobie solves a mischievous crime on the set of Capitol Pictures each episode with the help of a wacky cast of producers, actors, script girls, editors, extras and PA’s. Why can’t I just get what I want? (note from Old Sport: I want this too! Hollywood really needs to listen to us, we know what the people want.)

But then I started thinking more about Guadagnino’s reboot - I actually haven’t seen the original 1932 Scarface, which focused on Italian immigrants and their life in the mob but I have seen De Palma’s 1983 classic, in which our hero represents 1980’s Cuban immigrants involved in the drug trade. When I think of these iterations in the context of US immigration history, it makes sense to update it a bit for a new generation…I don’t love that Hollywood is remaking YET ANOTHER film instead of producing original content, but I get it. With Guadagnino’s upcoming Scarface, we’ll have a new story, a more modern reflection on the struggles many face in the US as a result of institutional racism and xenophobia. So while I may not be waiting with bated breath for its release, I’m excited to see what angles the script and film take. And I’m ready for Hobie Doyle Mysteries whenever the Coens are.