Sometimes I Think About Dying
Directed by Rachel Lambert
Written by Stefanie Abel Horowitz, Kevin Armento and Katy Wright-Mead
Starring Daisy Ridely, Dave Merheje and Ayanna Berkshire
Running time 1 hour and 31 minutes
Premiered at Sundance 2023, available to watch online from home, tickets here until Jan 30

“It’s hard being a person…”

Occasionally when I am chopping up vegetables, I think about slicing my throat. I imagine the blood seeping out, collapsing to the floor, and just lying there in my own soup. This is not something that I intend to act on, but it does cross my mind from time to time. Maybe it is the storyteller in me that finds some sort of inane pleasure imagining a world that I am not a part of. Or possibly the reason I think about death is because there is no act in life more permanent. There’s no take backsies, do overs or retractions once the event occurs… it is final.

Starting as a short film from the same writing team, Sometimes I Think About Dying tells the story of a thirty-something year old woman, Fran (Daisy Ridley) who lives a mundane existence filled with routine and cottage cheese. Each day seems consistently consistent; waking up, marching to her office cubicle, headed home to her cat and tub of curds. She does however experience moments of solace in between her excel spreadsheets by gazing out the window at the pacific northwest landscape and dreaming about her death. Whether it be washed up at the beach or dangling from a crane hook choked, each vision ends up the same: she’s dead. I’d like to believe the prospect of death means the mind is finally quiet and, if I had to guess, is the reason for Fran’s pining of expiration.

“I am Fran. I like cottage cheese.”

When a new person, Robert (Dave Merheje) starts working at her office he attempts to get Fran out of her comfort zone and into the land of the living. One of their first interactions is of course rather awkward while he awaits her to finish up at the Keurig. However, he does not allow the social ineptness to stop him. Through the course of some instant messages regarding office supplies and the particulars of cottage cheese, he learns that Fran may indeed have a humorous side. The walls she has built start to crumble a bit which results in the two attending a movie together. Robert is quite the cinephile and more importantly understands the necessity of chatting about the flick after you see it and suggests grabbing a slice of pie afterwards. Throughout the course of the evening, Robert shares quite a bit about himself whereas the biggest detail Fran divdulges is that she didn’t care for the film and for that matter does not seem to know many movies in general.

On many levels I connected with Fran due to Daisy Ridley’s unassuming yet purposeful performance. The bland colored cardigan wearing, meek office mate that would rather jump off a bridge than engage in small chat with a fellow coworker. I’ve been and continue to be that person that stands closest to the door during a celebratory event so I can make a quick exit. Much like her though, I have experienced that person in the office that is determined to break you from your shell and try to get to the real you.

“You’re secretly good at a lot of things…”

I feel it should be said that I don’t believe Robert was harassing Fran in any sort of way, as I truly think his actions were out of concern. Extroverted people can sniff those out that are more prone to stick to the shadows and I often believe they see introverts (hey it is me) as a challenge. I trust his heart was in the right place and he was trying to show Fran that there was more to life than just the maze she was stuck in. Most importantly, he wants her to see the value in human connection. There is a moment that Frans shares with a recent retiree from her office, which causes a metaphorical light bulb to go off for Fran.

While awaiting a morning coffee at a local shop, she notices her former coworker, Carol sitting alone. She was supposed to be on a cruise and when Fran speaks to her, she learns that Carol’s spouse had taken seriously ill. Carol goes on to share her heartache about working all these years waiting to enjoy life only to have something like this happen. This moment shattered me as it made me realize how easy it is to keep thinking about tomorrow when it is really the present you need to be living in. It also was another sign that I need to complete the grand fantastical escape (click here to read more).

At the heart of this quiet story is a portrait of a lonely soul. By the end I’m hopeful that Fran’s friendless days are behind her and that maybe she might even start watching more movies.

Sometimes I Think About Dying is available to watch online from home until January 30 via Sundance here.