by Emily Maesar, Associate TV Editor

Fantasy High: Junior Year
Episode 5 “Mall Madness”
With Brennan Lee Mulligan, Emily Axford, Zac Oyama, Siobhan Thompson, Lou Wilson, Ally Beardsley, and Brian Murphy
Streaming now on Dropout.tv

“You gotta honor nat 20s, it’s the rules of the show.” - Brennan Lee Mulligan

It is time, once again, for a D&D battle! The first two episodes also contained a battle, and therefore minis, so I think now would be a good time to talk about how incredibly good both the minis are for Dimension 20, but also how well shot they are. As Cassandra’s shards enter people, Brennan keeps pulling out different versions of the same minis—and the party makes a meta joke about if he has Hulk-ed out, scary versions of them he should tell them… but no spoilers! It’s a real dedication to the craft and it’s a reminder of how much money the auctions for Dimension 20 minis often make (hint: it’s a massive fuck ton).

As the Bad Kids get unceremoniously dropped into the mall, we begin combat. The entire battle takes place over roughly three rounds, which is both nothing and also so incredibly long. It has been a long-held conversation about 5th edition D&D that combat is clunky and time consuming. But I would argue, nothing is funnier than thinking about the fact that a single round of combat is technically 6 seconds, so while the battle took almost two hours of screen time to complete, in the time of the game it was all less than 20 seconds. Allegedly!

Once Kristen (Ally Beardsley) appears, Adaine (Siobhan Thompson) grabs her and Dimension Doors with the party’s cleric to Cassandra, convinced Kristen is the only one who can save her. Cassandra casts Hold Monster on Kristen before Fig (Emily Axford) uses her reaction to Counter Spell, saving Kristen like the presidential security she is. Additionally, one of Cassandra’s red glass magic tries to hit Adaine, but she resists.

Fabian (Lou Wilson), energized by the fact that time is passing too quickly and they’re late to the party, goes right after one of the guys who has been turned into a jacked-up version of themselves by Cassandra’s magic. Fabian absolutely rocks two enemies before making an attempt to jump on a table—famously a thing that ruined him in the first season. He makes it but doesn’t quite hit the “I’ll never make you roll to jump on tables again” from Brennan. A promise made if Lou were to roll a nat 20. But success, even if it’s not ultimate success, is always a good thing.

Kristen’s -3 to Dexterity really keeps fucking Ally—but it’s important to remember that they’d never played D&D when they made Kirsten Applebees. The wizards who were affected by Cassandra’s magic, are attacking the party, including getting Cassandra in the splash.

Fig wants to outsource the security detail by trying to get the wizards in the mall, who haven’t been turned yet, to help them in the battle, specifically with Counter Spell. She’s trying to cast Suggestion to make one of them protect Kristen. His name is Conor Counterspell and he’s a true future hero of the mall and of the Bad Kids.

Cassandra uses a legendary action (the bane of the Bad Kids and players everywhere) and Gorgug (Zac Oyama) realizes that the terrible things coming out of Cassandra are similar to the one that Ragh’s mother absorbed and is able to suppress with her Rage. Not exactly the same, but similar.

Kristen’s turn finally comes around (truly waiting for your turn in combat when there are a lot of moving parts is pure torture). She talks to Cassandra, trying to apologize for not being at the mall with her and Kalina and for dropping the ball. Ally rolls a nat 20 on Persuasion, an automatic success. They jump up from the table in excitement and chug a Red Bull because they’re perfect and I love them. Brennan brings out a second Cassandra mini, healed and back to normal.

Adaine, having read the handbook for her work, uses Arcana to call a mall cop. But they’re a weirdo old wizard who can’t do anything (like a real mall cop). She, instead, ends up attacking the red orbs that clearly look like they’re going toward Cassandra. A mysterious (on brand) line of “I thought you were dead” from Cassandra stumps the Bad Kids, though, as the battle continues.

Cassandra tries to use her mystery powers but, at the same time, a fire elemental gives Fig a plate of shrimp, which she takes… for whatever reason. She reaches a little too hard, causing one of the shrimps to fly across the mall and stops Cassandra from speaking, while a sign from the second floor gets kicked down and knocks the goddess unconscious, while having an allergic reaction. “This is some Gilear shit.”

Fig finally tells them about accepting the warlock deal… what seems to have actually been an ancestral curse. She (and Adaine) has a vision of Fig on a battlefield in the Pride Armor from her father’s domain, letting terrible luck unmake the world.

One of the stars shoots into Conor Counterspell and takes him over. Another one goes after Kalina, and the bitch is absolutely back. Fabian goes after one of the shatter stars and destroys it before attacking one of the possessed wizards. He tries to stab Kalina, which doesn’t hit, before focusing on one of the other enemies. He does 44 points of damage because Fabian is absolutely killing it.

Kalina CPRs the shrimp out of Cassandra’s mouth, causing her to wake back up. But Kalina is back to who she was when she was serving the Nightmare King, not Cassandra. She tells Cassandra, “I liked you better as the Nightmare King,” before slitting her throat. Riz (Brian Murphy) uses Compelled Duel to make Kalina focus on him, rather than actually fully killing Cassandra. She nearly doesn’t fail the save for Riz’s spell, except that Adaine uses one of her divine rolls to drop her roll down to a failure.

Kristen goes down as the enemies attack and Ally fails a save, taking the full brunt of the attack. However, the team knows that Cassandra cannot die unless Kristen and Craig do, but she fails (with a nat 1) one of her saves as she’s being positively pummeled. What triggers inside her is a mysterious, but clearly bad, transformation. It does mean we get a new Cassandra mini, though!

Fig brings Kristen back up. Conor is possessed, but he’s still got banter with Fig and is still listening to her. Baffling, but fun! Gorgug destroys the final shatter star! Cassandra transforms more and she blasts one of the enemies. Kristen knows that this isn’t quite Nightmare King stuff, but something new and different. Then, Kristen jumps on Cassandra’s back, talks to her, and uses her staff of doubt to cast Dispel Magic. There are so many dice rolled to make this work, but ultimately Kristen doesn’t get through to Cassandra. Adaine also makes an attempt to Dispel Magic on the angry goddess in front of them. She fails as well, though.

Cassandra uses Circle of Death at ninth level. Fig and Adaine both attempt to Counterspell, which Adaine is successful at, and Circle of Death is banished. Conor Counterspell tosses his staff and shatters the clock in the center of the mall, which Fabian is standing on top of—but it’s a wizard mall so the shattering of the clock actually sends everybody flying through time.

The party lands at Seacaster Manor ten seconds before they went through the portal to start the fight at the mall and everybody, except for Adaine who wasn’t there, starts shouting over each other to tell their former selves something for the coming fight. With their past selves very discombobulated, but through the portal to the mall, it’s time to throw the party. Conor Counterspell saved them from whatever was about to happen at the mall and now those events are quartered off. For now!

Kristen tries to reach out to Cassandra, but instead hears a new, scary voice. A slimy and rotting YES! comes through a portal at her, which she Banishes. The voice tells her it’s coming for her before Kristen cuts off communication. She realizes that the mall was in the astral plane, where the gods who die go and whatever spoke to her, was taunting her with her dead god.

The party goes to find Ragh to ask about Lydia’s gem. Before they can, however, all the partygoers arrive and there’s no time to talk about the important world-ending things because it’s time for teen stuff! Kristen is too stressed to actually do the shrimp jump, so Fig does it in her place—as her. And she does it in the coolest way possible, setting the tartar sauce on fire before she jumps. Emily rolls a nat 20 and the shrimp jump is the coolest thing in the absolute world. Mazey declares Fabian a maximum legend, the ultimate teenage dream.

But what scary future is lurking for the Bad Kids in the future? It’s a perfect reflection of being a teenager: the world is ending (either for real, or as a metaphor for growing up) and you’ve still gotta figure out your social life.