Welcome to this week’s installment of Can’t Care, Moviejawn’s weekly roundup of all the entertainment news we just can’t care about.

Rosalie Kicks!, Old Sport

Listen, I know the suspense has almost darn near killed you guys but now we can all have a sigh of relief: Elf has his next movie lined up. Phew! you guys have no idea how many winks I have lost, rocking back n' forth waiting to hear about the latest Elf project.

The old sport is set to portray Ronald Reagan during his presidency as he starts to develop dementia. WHOA! Hope you got the acting chops for it. You're really stepping up your game on this one Elf or...NOT! This isn't going to be a drama kids. There will be nothing serious about this movie, so you can leave all your drama at the door. Instead it is going to be another Elf romp, because apparently discovering you have Alzheimer's is a real knee slapper. Elf. you have got to be kidding me! The genre is just one of the many problems here - but I gotta admit I simply can't care about a movie focusing on that old sport Reagan. It could be a comedy, can't care. A drama, can't care. A documentary, can't care. A mockumentary, can't care. A based on a true story that is really fiction, can't care. I CAN'T CARE. Nothing about Reagan interests me. I also do not want to watch a film that makes light of someone having a debilitating disease. What is your end goal here Elf...is this just a ploy? Are you really using this as a chance to crawl in those yellow tights again? You have the scene all planned out: Reagan has a moment of lunacy and thinks he is attending a Christmas gala so he puts on his favorite ELF attire only to find he is really attending a state dinner! What a barrel of laughs. Where's the hot poker so that I can stab myself in the eyes? Do you really think people are asking for this, Elf? Guess what YOU'RE WRONG.

Hollywood, you old sport that's all the time I got to can't care this week. Right now I'm too busy CARING ABOUT KEANU.

This movie is going to be so gooooood guys, I feel it in my bones. Did you know that THE ONE and only NEO is actually the voice of Keanu?! I know! When I heard the news I reacted like this too:

I have been prepping all week for this. It is R-rated: I'll be waking up bright and early Sunday morning to ensure that I see this thing with as few disturbances as possible at my local clubhouse, aka the REGAL Riverview. You're probably thinking, why would you do that old sport?! Kitten, please...you know when the masses see a cute cat on the poster they will immediately think this is going to be a flick for the kiddies and completely ignore the big fat R-rating. I'm NOT taking any chances of my screening being comprimised.

Although I think I'm gonna wait til Monday to bring in the framed picture of Keanu for my office desk. Don't want to jump the gun, there is always that chance for the Hollywood let down. Sometimes those old sports pull the wool right over your eyes so you gotta watch your back! And YES! I am talking about the cat Keanu - seriously guys, who wants a picture of THE ONE when we can have a true bad boy.

UPDATE: Hot off the presses: Will Ferrell Pulls out of Ronald Reagan Movie - Guys, it looks like those studio clowns finally started listening and have made the right decision for the FIRST time in years. Way to go Hollywood, you old sport. Now let's start talking about those three mermaid movies you got on the books - we don't need three fish movies but we do need a Zod prequel starring Michael Shannon. Run along now and get me all the blueprints on this post haste.

Jaime Davis, The Fixer

Mother's Day is just around the corner! Didya get your cards yet? Make those brunch reservations? Pick out the 1-800-Flowers bouquets to send to your ma/grandma/second ma/stepma from 1-800-Flowers? (Does 1-800-Flowers still exist? Oh. Cool! It does.) Well you're also in luck because everyone's Favorite Worst Director, Garry Marshall, made a movie about moms. Called Mother's Day! That's being released a whole week BEFORE Mother's Day. And it's about moms. Ahem, I mean white moms. White moms who live in Atlanta, Georgia. White moms in Atlanta and one non-mom, played by Julia Roberts, who is a real mom. And Jennifer Aniston, a real non-mom, playing a mom in Mother's Day. Phew! There's more: Kate Hudson is in this, apparently sporting a lot and a lot of Fabletics gear, as is Sarah Chalke (remember her? From Scrubs? Whereubeengirl!), Jason Sudeikis, Tiimothy Olyphant, Jennifer Garner, Aasif Mandvi, and Shay Mitchell (who or what is a Shay Mitchell). So yeah, a lot of people in this who clearly never saw any of Garry Marshall's other {terrible} films. How is this possible?

Now if you'll allow me to go off on a wee tangent about Garry Marshall: don't get all bent at the waist because I called him a shit director. He IS a shit director. Maybe at one time he wasn't, but in the past 16 years or so, yes. Total shit. Take a stroll down his IMDb director page and it reads like a list of war crimes. Prime examples: Exit to Eden, The Other Sister, Runaway Bride, Raising Helen, The Princess Diaries 2: A Royal Dump, Georgia Rule, Valentine's Day, and New Year's Eve. If anything, Marshall should be punished solely for making more than one film in which Richard Gere bosses Julia Roberts around ('kiss me,' 'dance with me,' 'be my paid female escort for a week.' Ugh). And as embarrassed as I am to admit this, I paid to see Raising Helen in the theater. It remains, to this day, the one and only film I've walked out of midway through. As the resident Basic Bitch Of Moviejawn, a label I wear loud and proud, I should loveeee Raising Helen. Kate Hudson! Fancy fashion job! The ex from Sex and the City! Cute lil kids! But Holy Mother of Beyoncé, what a piece of poop that movie is.

Basically the only good thing about Garry Marshall is he puts Hector Elizondo in all of his movies. Hector Elizondo is delightful.

So yeah, Mother's Day: The Movie. I think it's great that Ol' Man Marshall saw Love Actually that one time and was like, "You know what would be the cat's pajamas? If we remake that. Again and again and again, for America! With crap American actors! And we'll beat to death every goddamn pseudo-holiday officially created/sanctioned by Hallmark." Why not just make movies for Hallmark? They got a whole channel devoted to a certain brand of plucky, cutesy heteronormative-ness that Marshall appears to subscribe to. How do I know about Hallmark movies? BECAUSE I WATCH THEM. BASIC BITCH OF MOVIEJAWN, YOU GUYS. (Side note: I think it's time the Hallmark Channel produced an LGBTQ romance movie series - I've got some sweet storylines in mind, plus a friend wrote one for me called Roses For Jaime. Hallmark, call me!)

Speaking of crazy casts, Lynch and Company announced the lineup for the Twin Peaks reboot this week. Hold on to your cherry pie because this list is a doozy! You've got your returners (Kyle MacLachlan, Mädchen Amick, Harry Dean Stanton, Miguel Ferrer, Sheryl Lee, Sherilynn Fenn, Peggy Lipton, James Marshall, Dana Ashbrook, Julee Cruise, et al..), your A-listers (Naomi Watts, Amanda Seyfried), your WTF?!!-ers (Michael Cera, Jim Belushi, David Koechner, Eddie Vedder, Matthew Lillard, Balthazar Getty), and your BAMF-ers (Jennifer Jason Leigh, Monica Bellucci, Laura Dern, Tim Roth, Trent Reznor). Guys they announced over 217 actors for this shit. 2-1-7. This casting is giving me major watch anxiety. How will I keep all these characters straight? I think I'd rather crawl back into the relative safety of my Basic Bitch Wine Cave™, reveling in the embrace of my athleisure yoga pants while sipping chilled rosé over reruns of The O.C. and Real Housewives. I hear you judging me - Jaime can't care. Neither does Kyle MacLachlan.